THE TICKING OF AN INDIFFERENT CLOCK

Another endless, sleepless night.

Oh God, when will it end. My body is in revolt right now, and every moment is a bit of an agony, mentally and physically.

And for some sadistic reason the Clockmaker decided to instruct everyone in my life to choose today as a day where they should all demonstrate their dissatisfactions with me, to let me know how sadly lacking I am in nearly every way, how disappointing I am in a variety of capacities.

They are all probably right.

I can't seem to get anyone to see me right now, and when I try all I do is hurt or upset them. And I ache in ways that I can't communicate to people in any meaningful way. And oh fuck I am in excruciating physical pain right now that just gets worse with every passing moment and it won't fucking stop.

The clock ticks away the moments indifferently, and everyone sleeps but me. Everyone has seen fit to let me know where I stand in their books, and all I can do is type out these pathetic little pieces to keep my mind off what is going on in my body, head, and heart. And the reality is even these will drift off and fade away into the electronic ether- I am just screaming into the void.

I don't know what the hell to do right now. I either need to get to a hospital or go off and check into a hotel for a few days and try to get my body in a manageable state anyway. I probably just need to go silent and fade away for a bit until I can manage my body, feelings, and emotions a bit better.

I am so fucking tired of hurting, in so many ways, and I really, honestly don't blame anyone for the hurt I feel- I have chosen my own path and deserve whatever happens to me.

But I hope that someday everyone will understand that I have God honestly tried to put them before myself as much as I possibly could.

The clock ticks indifferently, and right now I just want to sleep.

For all I have disappointed- I am truly sorry.

Time to go silent for a bit- I am of no use to anyone right now, and I can't much muster the energy to even attempt to seem ok or normal at this point.

THE DEAFENING SILENCE

So here I am.

The middle of the night- a fire slowly fading, a silver dollar moon in the sky illuminating the landscape, a cacophony of nightsounds breaking the stillness: frogs singing, coyotes howling, raccoons rustling in the brush, and a deafening silence from the one that matters.

This will make no sense to anyone other than me. The first time I experienced one of my "moments" was in grade school. I was 7 or 8, and i was in the gym, which also served as the lunch room. The school didn't serve lunch, only milk and beverages- all children were expected to bring their own lunches. I was sitting there, opening my industrial type lunch box, pulling out my thermos of soup, when all of a sudden everything became heightened. It was as if every sound, every voice, was aggregated and compiled and combined to produce a complete assault on my senses. And as I sat there, I began to isolate and identify thoughts and conversations for specific kids, even those who were far to far away to hear with my ears. I cast my eyes about and just by focusing on a person it seemed as if I could hear not only exactly what they were saying, but also what they were thinking. I know this makes no sense whatsoever, and I also know it makes me sound like a mental case. But I am not prone to whimsy, and these "moments" have happened often enough that I realized that they were real, and not just a product of an overactive imagination.

But at the time the experience was so powerful, and so disconcerting, that I essentially "shut down" for a couple of months. The whole episode was compounded by the fact that after this first time these "moments" seemed to happen on a regular basis, and they so overwhelmed me that I would become immobilized for a period of time. These episodes diminished in frequency as I grew older, and when they did happen I grew more accomplished in hiding them from others. I also found that on occasion whatever it was I was experiencing would later prove to be completely wrong, so I decided that whatever was going on was just a bizarre oddity of psychology.

I don't know what this has to do with anything right now honestly. But it is my 48th birthday, I am sitting beside a dying fire with my laptop and a small battery operated lantern, and I am trying to make sense of a remarkable number of "moments" that have happened recently. And these "moments" have been combined with enough actual "real" world events so that  I am left with a deep melancholy as I listen to the fire crackle and watch the moonlit shadows play across the landscape.

Another year has passed. I won't elaborate, but I have been given a glimpse of what is in store for me. I have found someone and something I desperately want, and I have tried every way I know how to drop hints of what I expect and need and want to hear from her, and the silence back is deafening. This is not her fault, I can't even define what I am experiencing, and I am woefully inadequate in trying to convey my feelings. But words, deeds, and actions matter, and I have to come to grips with my disappointments because they are more a reflection on me than anyone else.

The fire fades, the moon works its way across the horizon, and I can almost picturing myself 1000 years ago, beside a similar fire, aching for something undefinable, imagining things that might be.

And while the night is alive with sounds that define the darkest hours, the words and thoughts that I long to hear remain unspoken, and I can only watch the embers die slowly.

Sometimes the silence truly is deafening.

AND SO IT GOES

Never again.

Never again will I allow myself to be taken for granted. Never again will I put myself in a position where I willfully allow people to take what they can from me, and return only what is convenient for them.

Never again will I put up with being the one that is settled for- I have more to give than most, and if that isn't valued or recognized as meaning more than the perception of others, than fuck it.

Never again will I let what I would like to be overshadow the reality of what is.

Never again will I ignore actions, words, or deeds that demonstrate a casual disregard

Never again will I allow people to act as if I exist for their benefit alone

Never again.

I just realized that I would rather fucking die alone, unnoticed or unmourned, then be treated as a useful fool

Yeah- I want the same things as everyone else, big fucking deal, the universe doesnt exist to cater to my whims.

And so it goes

QUESTIONS ANSWERED IN TIME

My Sweetest Liliana,

There are many paths, many roads that we can travel, and unfortunately these byways appear on no map. We choose our paths using instinct, tuition, just blind faith, whatever. But the paths never choose us Liliana. We end up where we end up because of the choices we make along the way, the turns we decided to take, and the ones we didn't, but the choices are ours and ours alone.

They say the most important rule for a trial lawyer is to never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to. For the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling with whether or not to ask you a question, not necessarily because I didn't know what the answer would be, but because I wasn't sure if it was even appropriate to bring up, and because I was fairly sure that the answer would probably cause me more harm than good.

You were honest with me, and I love you for that. For whatever reason we seem to be on seem weird wavelength together, and I have some odd connection with you- if you hadn't been honest with me I would have known or sensed it, and that would have been the worst kind of cut.

Make no mistake though- for reasons that I can't fully explain I am hurt and wounded, but I get it- I really do. But had you tapped danced around it or I felt you had lied to me, well, that I couldn't deal with. I am not a child though, I know that the words I would have liked to have heard only would have been spoken and meant in a fairy tale- but that doesn't mean that I still can't wish I had heard them. I do know this- I can't love you any more than I do, and I am certain that there is nothing I have held back from you, I give you everything I am capable of giving, so if for whatever reason this isn't enough, it won't be because I kept my emotions in check.

I kinda know you pretty well by now Liliana, and I have also learned a little bit about human nature in my advanced age. There are going to be plenty of ways to justify it if certain things to happen- but don't think for a second that it will be for any other reason than you wanted it or allowed it to happen. That isn't a bad thing I guess, you are an adult and can and should make your own choices. But unless I am completely wrong, you will only have a few fleeting moments of instant gratification, without a whole lot to show for it afterward. And the things that you could get away with, or would have less significance perhaps, with someone who you don't have the kind of history with that you have with Dale, well they take on a different and deeper meaning given that history with him- there is whole lot less innocence involved in risque behavior or patterns or conversations with you two than there would be with someone else, and I am sure that is maybe a thrill for you, and if you feel you still need or want that, then just disregard everything above, but every comment or moment has a potentially more shaded meaning with you two, no matter how you try to disregard it.

I love you totally Liliana, I hope you navigate well. I will travel with you for as long as you will have me, but there are some paths that you must decide on your own whether or not they are worth taking.

And all I can do is sit on the sideline, and wait for the answers to questions I would rather not contemplate- and that is ok, because I know that you don't honestly have an answer for these questions yet either.

Here's to hoping that we arrive at the destination together.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE

Why is it that the same patterns seem to exhibit themselves no matter what the circumstances? Maybe each of us emulate Sisyphus in that no matter what we do or what we try, our particular rock will still go crashing back down the hill just before we reach the summit. What sucks is, like Sisyphus, it is even more frustrating and painful when you can see the summit prior to having the rock elude your grasp.

Everyone within my circle seems to find it so easy to relegate me to a specific role without really having a whole lot of regard or understanding for whatever it is that I might want or need. I am not bitching, I have made it easy for everyone to do this. I pretty much want to provide the people I care about with whatever it is I can give them, and do this willingly. As such everyone pretty much expects certain things from me, and it should not really be all that surprising that they don't really view me as perhaps anything more than a reliable source of whatever they need, without a whole lot of thought about what might be important to me.

I guess no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never really reach my particular summit. I guess that is ok, I occasionally get close enough to glimpse it anyway.

But it still leaves me with a bit of an emptiness when I am relegated to bystander status in everyones life, including my own. My family members pretty much engage with me only when they want something or need money, the woman I care about gives me what I need when we are together, and has a bit of a disregard for me when I am not around, and also seems to think that I don't realize or know or care about the fact that she seems to find old habits hard to break, and seems to think that the only time she needs to talk to or communicate with me when I am not around is if I reach out to her first, as if I am just a kind of annoying placeholder.

Oh well, the more things change- but it gets harder to start pushing the rock back up the mountain everyday. I wonder if Sisyphus ever paused for a moment and said "fuck it- that rock is fine where it is, and I am tired as hell, so maybe I will just stay down here a while"?

Probably not- but I bet it crossed his mind once in a while.

DON'T STEP ON MY T.O.E.'s, or: SCIENCE I CAN ACTUALLY GET IN TO

For decades quantum physicists and theoretical scientists have been trying to find one unifying theory that would unite all the different theories explaining the laws of the universe: how time and space interact, why things happen the way they happen, why does the universe behave the way it does, and why do seemingly random events occur and what impact do they have on the cosmos and on us. This elusive theory even came to have a name, as all objects of a quest should have. It was and is referred to as the Theory of Everything, or TOE (now my title seems pretty clever, huh?)

Now along comes String Theory. I am not making any of this up, and I don't profess to fully understand it, but it is a real theory that Nobel winners and renowned scientists are embracing and exploring. There are all sorts of mathematics and science involved that make my head spin, and there are avenues of the theory that don't interest me in the slightest, but there are several aspects of it that make perfect sense to me. According to String Theory, everything in the universe is actually physically connected via a "string" (or ether perhaps), or series of parallel strings . And everything means EVERYTHING: time, space, dimension: everything is interconnected. and as this/these string/s is or are not rigid, but flexible, they can actually occupy space and resonate in time in a way that could allow for certain previously unthinkable things to occur: a glimpse of a future or past, a connection between two wildly disparate objects, etc. Think of a guitar string- it exists in a straight line, but when plucked it actually vibrates in a way where it appears to be in multiple places at once. Also, according to this theory, things end up attached to the string exactly where they belong- like knots in a macrame necklace, or that the parallel strings can intertwine as well.

A man has visions of or sensory knowledge of a woman who keeps appearing to him throughout his life in ways that defy explanation, but never in a completely tangible way, until one day, in a concrete way that can't be denied, his visions/dreams become manifest in a physical, magical being who seems to be an ideal match for him, and who complements him in every way. Mystical Horseshit? Not according to String Theory. According to string theory these two objects in space and time were actually attracted to and a part of each other to begin with, whether they are consciously aware of it or not.

What strikes me a bit about this theory is that it almost sounds like a scientific explanation for God and religion as well, but that isn't in any of the articles I read, as science and religion don't tend to go to bed together often. But if you think about it, it is not that big of a leap to connect the two.

I have an open mind, and I am not prone to falling for horseshit. But I know what I have experienced in my life, and this is the first time I have come across an explanation for some of the weird shit that could make sense. Each of us exist in time and space, unique unto ourselves, but perhaps when two objects are so right together, so complementary, then maybe they find each other in time and space because they are meant to.

String Theory doesn't address emotions necessarily; it is about mathematics and physics. But aren't love and passion and feelings as elemental as anything else in the universe? I have drifted through time and space for so many years, getting small little hints and glimpses of something/someone who I felt was a part of me, but always remained elusive. And then I actually met you in the flesh Lili, and those small hints and glimpses of magic paled in comparison to the joy and love and hope that you have actually inspired in me.

Maybe we have been residing on parallel strings, occasionally intertwining with one another, and only now have we actually been able to wrap ourselves into a knot that will give us a permanence in this universe. The life you have been living was not the knot, just a brief entanglement that the universe and you have recognized as momentary- like a ball of yarn that has to be unwound. But for me, I like to think that we have been bumping into each other for a while, whether we knew it or not, and now that we do recognize each other we will create the strongest knot in the universe, and we will never be parted again.

So maybe there is something a bit mystic in all of this my love. While a theory can explain how or why something might happen, it can't begin to decipher the things that make us human, that explains our wants, needs, and desires. All I know is this: my physical days on this earth are numbered, but the love and passion I have for you are solid and without limits, they will exist long after I pass on to whatever awaits me. They are wrapped up in the knot we have tied together in the infinite ether of the universe, and they will visit you time and again, to comfort you when I am not around, to serve as an example to others, to influence others in a positive way. I am human, I have many faults, but everything good that I have or could be has been strengthened by your love and compassion, and we will shine as the brightest stars in the galaxy, undimmed for all time.

There is a song by Van Morrison- not "Brown Eyed Girl", but one called "She Gives Me Religion". I always loved the song, but never really got the sentiment. I get it now Lili. Too many people use religion for whatever purposes serve them, unfortunately some of your friends are doing this as well. But maybe they should be thinking about what purpose they should be serving their religion instead.

Whatever you want to call your religion by: Science, String Theory, The Theory of Everything, God, Jehovah, whatever; I know this to be true: you and I are serving our religion well, and it is timeless, and true, and right, and the universe approves.

Sorry for this story, it isn't much of one and is probably pretty boring. But I just wanted to make a (pathetic I am sure) attempt to convey what I am feeling and how and why you are so special and important to me. It isn't just for petty, selfish reasons- but it is because it is the way it should be, and it was only possible for me with you.

And I like the idea that you and I will continue to be bound together, throughout time and space, to revel in our love for eternity.

And if that doesn't have the hand of God in it, then what else possibly could?

THROUGH A CRYSTAL BALL, DIMLY

I have a crystal ball. Unfortunately for me, this crystal ball is pretty much useless when it comes to predicting anything, all it is capable of is visualizing my wants and desires. It won't tell me what will happen, it just shows me glimpses of what I would like to happen. I think I bought it in New Jersey, which would explain why it doesn't work as it should.

Still- there is a small comfort in being able to gaze into it and picture what could happen, and what future I might be able to have.

Come... gaze into it with me, and see what my future would be, if I could control it.

The clouds part to reveal a garden setting. There are only a few people present- a man and a woman, 4 children, a few friends perhaps, but it is a small, intimate, peaceful gathering. They are all assembled to take part in a celebration of love and comittment, and the ceremony uniting the man and woman in marriage is personal and not necessarily the traditional way of doing such things, but it is unique to the man and woman, and will celebrate all of the things that draw them to one another. The man wants no other woman, and his entire world will revolve around her and her children for the rest of his life, and everything he lives for will be for them. There is nothing the man wants or needs beyond them, and even though the children aren't his, and never could be, he will love and revere them and do anything in his power to nuture and care for them, and provide them with comfort and love and understanding, and he will be there for them for anything. He will never try to usurp their biological fathers role or importance in their lives, but he will always try to be an example and role model for them, so that they may know that they are loved and have a value in this world, and that their mother is revered and cherished by a man who looked into her and saw nothing but wonder and beauty. This vision of hope and happiness is a recurring one in my crystal ball, and has not been arrived at lightly- it is all I want. I know it might take some time, and that there would be bumps along the path, but being united with the woman I love would complete me in a way nothing else in my life has, and I would hope that she would feel the same way.

Give the ball a shake and gaze again. This time the view is a little cloudier, and not necessarily as defined as the previous vision, but it is still there none the less. There is a house, a home, and it could be any house, because those who live there make it a home and a haven for all. There are the man and woman, there are the four wonderful, beautiful children, and obscured by the milky ether in the ball, it is perhaps possible to see a fifth child, boy or girl- it wouldn't matter. The man can think of no greater honor then to have the woman consent to bear their child. The beauty and wonder and awe the man feels for the woman would have their ultimate manifestation in a child that both could call their own, and all the love, respect, affection, and warmth that each feel for the other would also be conveyed onto the child. This vision is not as tangible as the previous one- there are so many things to consider: her previous children, nothing could ever come between the mother and them, they are and always should be the first consideration, her age and place: this is probably the time in her life that she should be looking forward to being unbound, where her life truly is hers to live as she wants, the mans longevity: the simple reality is that any child born of the man and woman would probably not have his/her father around to see them reach full adulthood, and the woman would probably end up a single parent again. So many things to consider, but that doesn't mean that the desire is any less real.

Yes- I have a crystal ball. It shows me what I want to see. I see endless days of summer spent with a woman and her children, laughing, loving, and reveling in every moment. I see soft warm nights spent sharing a bed with a woman who excites every sense in my body, and waking to her beauty and warmth every morning. I see us being together, not just in an informal, casual way, but united in love for all to see. I see a family in the truest sense of the word, even if the man is not the true father, he will love each as his own, and will support them in any way throughout their lives, and if nothing else will be a true friend to them always.

My crystal ball isn't very useful I guess, it won't show me things that will be- only what I would like to be. But it still fills me with a warmth to gaze into it and to imagine that such things may be possible. I can only hope and pray that when she gazes into it she perhaps sees a similar vision. If not, nothing changes- I will still love, cherish and support her in any and every way I can- nothing will ever change the way I feel about her. But God I would give anything for both of us to gaze into my crystal ball and see the same possible future.

It would be nice to have a crystal ball that would actually tell and show me what will actually be, not just what I want to be, and I guess I have learned a valuable lesson.

Never buy a fucking thing in New Jersey.