THERE ARE GHOSTS HERE

How can you not believe in them? They come unbidden at any time, they flit about the periphery of all of us, dipping into view at will. Not all rattle chains or leap from behind tombstones: some are benevolent, some seek only to make us smile, and some are just there-waiting to be acknowledged. They haunt us all in one way or another, in every good and bad sense of the word. They exist in every culture in every distant land, and they are everywhere humanity has taken hold. No graveyard contains them, no exorcism will rid you of them.

What is a memory but a Ghost disguised by another name? They can be triggered by the simplest of things: an overheard snatch of conversation, a song unheard in years, the laughter of others, a look of sadness on a familiar looking strangers face, even an aroma, or a tactile sensation is capable of unleashing the oddest of phantoms from their dormant states.

If we are lucky, each of us will become shades that will haunt others-one of the benevolent ones that will bring a smile or a wistful feeling to those who allowed us to be buried in their own mental graveyard.

Yes there are Ghosts here, and they haunt me every night. Some make me smile, some make me sweat, some make me cry, and some just plain terrify me.

And I cherish each and every one.

I pray that I join them someday.

Happy Hauntings

A RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS

Recently two people did something for me that moved me so profoundly, and in ways I never thought I would experience again, that it has been almost haunting in its effect. I am sure that for both of them it barely registered at all, but for a (too) brief period of time I felt a peace and contentment that hit me on such a basic and fundamental level that it actually made me woozy, and even now as I write this that strange, knotted feeling is returning.

For you morons out there, I am not refering to anything sexual, although there was an element of sensual pleasure (all on my end I am sure) just from the sheer sensory nature of the experience. This side of it was intensified by the fact that the two people, who don't really know me well at all, took me in and engaged me on so many levels that I think I actually got teary-eyed. It was that rare moment where you actually realize its significance and impact while it is happening, which actually makes it joyous and bittersweet at the same time.

I am generally indifferent to most people; even folks I am friendly with I do not count as friends. These two, neither of whom will probably ever know or understand why, I am indebted to. Their grace, elegance, compassion, intelligence, and fundamental decency have moved me in ways that I could never explain to them in person without sounding like a complete idiot. The fact that my feelings and sensations were most likely not shared is unimportant. What is important is that for a few hours I shared a time and place with people of substance, and it was thrilling, peaceful, sexy and satisfying (and a little frustrating) and I would give anything to feel that again.

The fact that these two exist and drfited into my life is proof enough that we matter, and that all the pain and regret and bullshit are worth wading through to be able to share the moments I shared with them.

Here endeth the sentiment.

KNOWING THE WAY WELL

God I am tired.

I sit here most nights, looking out over the water from the 21st floor, wishing I could just drift away into the ether. Instead I spend most nights allowing my mind to wander down corriders that should remain closed off.

I don't feel like elaborating, but let me say this: they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but that is complete bullshit.

The road to hell is a lost highway littered with regret, anger, self-interest, lust- every base human behavior imagineable.

And I know the way well.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS REVEALED or THINGS I SHOULD BE EMBARRASED BY

Each of the below is 100% true, and I regret none of them.

In no particular order:

My first kiss was actually with 2 girls, Jo-Ellen Skanski and "Tuna" Schone. I was 14, they were both 16, and they took me to Hamilton Park and took turns making out with me. Jo-Ellen tasted like apples, "Tuna" oddly enough tasted like Dorito's

I cry almost every time at the end of "It's a Wonderful Life"

I don't dislike my daughters boyfriend, I just wish he would go away

I resent the time and money I have to spend on my Mother-In-Law

I have had sex with 2 women at the same time, and it was every bit as enjoyable as I had imagined (and no, it wasn't with Jo-Ellen and Tuna, I was 14 for chrissakes)

I stopped taking medications without telling anyone

I am the one who spray painted "Sister Angela-Therese Sucks" on the Queen of Angels school doors in grade school (I know I am going to hell for that one)

I once beat a stranger senseless because of the way he was treating his girlfriend

I was once beaten senseless because of the way I was treating a strangers girlfriend (I was flirting with her, but man it would have been worth it)

My friend Bo and I went to the Senior Prom solo to try and steal peoples dates. It worked, and we didn't have to rent a tux.

Occasionally I will watch porn- but man does most of it suck

I take long bubble baths with Bath and Body Works products at least several times a week, and have never once felt gay about it

I have an irrational fear of dying in my sleep

I think the sexiest part of a woman are her eyes (OK, this one is a little weird, but I will take a woman with bedroom eyes over one with a nice rack- having both isn't a problem either though)