JUST A CHAPTER, NOT THE BOOK

When I was young I would read anything I could get my hands on, from the usual juvenile fiction to the more adult bestsellers of the time. There were several occasions when the librarian would have to call my parents to make sure it was ok for me to check out what she considered objectionable material for a youngster. To my parents credit they never denied me my bizarre requests.

As a child, I would get so wrapped up in the better tales that I felt invested in them and made them almost real in my mind. And sometimes, in that weird way that the ignorance of youth encourages, the stories would almost become real in my mind, and the best ones almost seemed to spill from between the covers to intrude upon my "real" world. I still remember how disturbed I would become if a chapter contained something upsetting, or made it appear that characters I cared about were going to meet sad fates. And sometimes they did, as occasionally the best stories don't necessarily have to have a traditional happy ending. But more often than not the subsequent chapters would steer my heroes or heroines to safer, calmer waters, and that without the chapter or two of menace or sadness, the final destination would not seem as well earned, or as satisfying.

This blog started as one thing, and then became something else much more satisfying. You see, I am not even the author per se, I am just recording the details, the book is actually writing itself.

As with any book, this one contains chapters. No one chapter should be the sum of the book. There should be chapters of happiness and love, some silly and inconsequential, some full of hope and mystery, and yes, some of anger, hurt and bitterness.

You see, again, I don't write the story, I just record the details. And as an imperfect author, ghost writing my own story, I am subject to the same human frailties as everyone else. But each and every chapter is real and honest, and to try to change or influence the chapter in any way would be dishonest.

So sometimes I sit here, recording instances of pain, hurt, or anger, but I think that even as I record these details I realize that the chapter is only a snapshot of rare importance, and not the story itself, and that these chapters are necessary to make the final story arc more satisfying and magical.

So while I won't or can't apologize for individual chapters, I do want to stress that, as the one recording these stories, the book itself is a beautiful, magical one, and while the ending is still unknown, it will be one of hope and triumph over a mundane world filled with angry, small people who live to destroy others.

I have no idea where or how this book will end, but I do know this- every chapter, every moment, good, bad, angry, happy- each and every one leads to an ending that will be glorious. And as is often the case in evolving books, even know, as this is being recorded, a wonderful new chapter is about to be written (which will be the subject of the next post).

So don't read too much into any one chapter, while what it may contain night be hard to read, it is only making the denouement so much more satisfying. Ulysses took years and underwent many trials and tribulations before returning to his beloved. If he had just been able to take a cab home it wouldn't have been much of a story.

The most rewarding thing is that this story has two protagonists, writing their book together. And because each reveres and loves the other, and each are willing to do anything for the other, it is indeed a story of true love, and while some of these stories end badly, this one will not, because that love is pure, strong, and primal, and nothing or no one will ever unbind the ties between us.

Until the next chapter......

KNOWING WHERE I STAND

Once again a different post was started, and this one is going up instead.

I am a tool, a convenience, something to be used and relied on when needed or wanted, but put aside when not required. I have asked for one thing and one thing only, and that is asked for only out of concern and worry, and it is so fucking easy to do that I am completely fucking crushed that it is so god-damned hard for her to do it. I need this one fucking thing to have some kind of piece of mind, and she fucking knows it and just doesn't fucking care, if she did it wouldn't keep happening over and over. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but given all the weird shit that has happened I don't think it is too much to ask for, especially on the weekends and after one of these episodes of his.

I was going to write about all the things I felt, and all the things I wanted and how I wanted the rest of my days to play out, and what I wanted to do for her and how I wanted us to share so many different things. But, now as i write this, and after she has finally gotten in touch with me and can only give me short little responses to my outpourings of heartache and worry and hurt, and it is clear I am only keeping her up and annoying her, I just feel like I died inside. Everything I have given to her I have done freely and without regret. Every emotion, feeling, every ounce of love and passion I can muster has been hers. And I can't get words of comfort or understanding when I so desperately need them- just polite short responses. She spends more time and effort trying to accomodate and please her fucking dirtbag husband then she does when I need it.

Fuck it- I never expected to ever find true love in the first place, so why am I so devasted and broken now.

The wind is howling outside- it is constant and angry. I will be heading out into it shortly. I will find a spot, stand there, and just let everything empty out. It will be a cold, angry, lonely spot- but it will be mine, and instead of fooling myself about what is or might be, at least now I know where I stand.

It is a dark, lonely, painful place, and it is probably exactly where I belong.

So why does it hurt so fucking much?

THE LINE THAT DRAWS ITSELF

I had something different planned for this little entry, but things change. I am heartbroken, pissed off, sick, tired, and feel utterly alone. And I guess for all intents and purposes I am. At this exact moment I don't feel warmth or happiness or loved or even the potential for any of these things. I feel complete and utter despair for what are completely irrational reasons. I cannot begin to justify these feelings, i know, and I also know that part of the reason for my heartache and pain is just pure selfishness on my part, thinking or wanting somebody to say or do something for me when they already have enough on their own plate to deal with. I know this isn't the case, but right now I feel like I am being taken a bit for granted, and that maybe I don't mean as much as I would like to think I do.

I also am sick with worry. I am watching someone I love and care for and would literally die for make decisions based upon her better nature that I think are going to backfire on her. Here is the truth as I see it: as long as I am in her life her former friends, family, and even her husband are going to try to hurt her- they can't help themselves. And nothing she does is going to change that, and they will use her accomodating, sweet nature against her, and she won't realize it until it is too late.

So while I may have become a useless pathetic fool, wanting and hoping to love and be loved by her, and wanting nothing more than to be with her until I die, I also wonder if maybe I just need to back off and drift away into my own fading sunset alone, for hers and my own good. It will kill me if I have to watch her make decisions that I am almost certain are going to backfire on her. She thinks that she can appeal to peoples better natures and that everything will work out. I think she is dealing with pieces of shit who will do anything to hurt her, and that she is unwilling to do what is necessary to protect herself.

And all of this is my fucking fault. I probably should have just stayed out of her life and played out whatever is to come on my own. Now all I want is her and her love, and all I want to do is give her all the love and passion I have in return. Tonight I wonder if she feels as strongly about me, but I am pretty sure she does, although she doesn't seem to get the fact that I desperately need things from her sometimes as well.

SO- I am a bit of a mess, and I am not sure where to draw the line on certain things, or whether me and my happiness are worth the time or effort. But even though I am a mess, and I have all sorts of unresolved things running about my head and heart, there is still one line that draws itself, that I won't allow anyone to cross. It hasn't quite been crossed yet, but if or when it is then there will be no confusion, no uncertainty, just swift, immediate consequences.

And I don't believe in porportional response, or appealing to peoples better natures, or avoiding conflict, just action.

I am sorry I feel the way I feel tonight, and that I wasn't a comfort to the woman I love. Indeed, I am sure I probably hurt her tonight and that is tearing me up as well. I am so very sorry Lili. I don't mean to be an additional problem in your life. But sometimes I need you as much or more than you say you need me. Just try to keep that in mind. And please at least consider what I am telling you about maybe taking a harder, more independant stance. Otherwise I am afraid that all you will end up being is a puppet on a longer chain, still dancing to someone elses tune. You might be in different places, but he will just be controlling you remotely.

God I am so sorry- but tonight I have never felt more alone, and the darkness seems a bit appealing.

STRANGE SHADOWS IN A DISTANT ROOM

I lie here, a thousand miles away from her, lights off, body tired, mind wandering. I know I can't sleep now, but something told me to turn everything off, relax my mind and body, drift off into the ether, and see where I would land. A very faint light illuminates the room through the window, and the corners of my little hotel world are hiding in shadows, concealing whispers, secrets, and dreams.

I lie here, trying to stay perfectly still, regulating my breathing, slowly glancing about, listening carefully, as if I could conjure her here by sheer force of will. I cannnot of course- but there is a feeling of proximity that I can't explain, as if she lingers in the shadows wherever I may be, whispering words of love.

Could she be there, I wonder? Are the emotions and feelings and love I feel for her so strong that perhaps a part of what we share together knows no earthly bounds? Because after a few minutes of lying here, heart heavy, missing her terribly, a strange thing happened. No, she didn't actually appear- that would be silly. But as I lay on the bed, worrying and wondering about her, thinking about the moments we have shared, it almost felt as she was actually surrounding me- almost like that strange wonderous drive back from Michigan. My insides shake and I feel a strange sensation of wonderful tingling throughout my body.

I am sure most people would never understand this, or think that I am some sentimental fool, but the feeling was real and physical. My heart is still heavy because we are apart, but her love and the love I have for her are so strong that she doesn't even need to be here to comfort or console me- it just happens organically.

I know this story makes no sense and has no poetry to it, but I wanted to record it as it happened as this is  such an odd and mystifying, joyous occasion, made bittersweet by the fact that she isn't actually here, and I would give anything to have her in my arms right now.

I will try to make more sense of this in a later post- but I know she was, is, and always will be, the only woman for me.

I love her so.

Travelling The Road Unknown

Sometimes it is the simplest of things that have the most meaning. Too often we ignore or don't notice the significance of the things in our life that underscore who we are, where we are going, and how we are getting there. Most of the time we travel like work horses, with blinders on moving in a straight line, following the path that others have created for us.

But not my lady. She has pulled off her blinders, taken a look at the path she was travelling, and decided to change destinations. Her new path has some scary detours, and some hairpin curves that she will have to negotiate with care, but everyday she exhibits more and more confidence and skill navigating her course.

It is just a car, but it symbolizes so much more. It is the carriage that will transport her from a life of neglect and indifference to one of limitless possibilities. Where every morning she can wake up, look in the mirror, and be satisfied that she has done everything in her power to ensure that her life can be hers, and not one where she exists for the benefit of someone else.

There will be many twists and turns on her journey, but her instincts, intelligence, and basic essence will guide her. She thinks her final destination is her own magical place, but what she doesn't realize is that magic already surrounds her. She exudes magic and wonder from every pore of her body, and everything and everyone she touches as she moves through this world is left better by her passing. She is living proof that miracles and magic do exist- and that hope springs eternal in the graceful elegance of her being.

She has chosen to travel the road unknown, and her courage and strength are marvels that defy description. And she faces all of this with a smile and determination that underscore all the things I love about her.

Maybe it isn't just a car. It is her enchanted carriage, taking her to a kingdom of happiness and warmth and love that shine as an example to all, and all who live there will be ennobled by her grace. I will be there for her, if she will have me, and I will serve, cherish, and love her with every ounce of passion I have, and I will revel in her glory and love.

She has shown me that such kingdoms do exist, and just like a child I once again believe in magic. I will never be as cute as I once was, but inside I too shine once again, and believe that anything is possible.

All because of her.

THE TIE THAT BINDS

So many of the precious seconds of our lives pass without notice, flying by and gone without registering any importance or meaning. The truth is that for most of time will pass unnoticed and without any great significance, just infrequently punctuated by those brief little moments that have a value or meaning that warrants remembering later.

I have had more memorable moments in the past six months than I probably have had in the previous 47 years.

In no particular order, a random assemblage of moments and snapshots of time that have a meaning and significance beyond words.

A Clandestine Date That Wasn't

Oh Man, nothing like trying to keep a low profile and then seeing your name displayed on a scrolling screen announcing your presense to 300 some people. Yet a fun, unique experiance.

A Tranquil Afternoon

Sometimes all you need to do is actually look around you to see that in spite of whatever may be going on in our lives or in the world, that beauty and wonder are all around us, even when it doesn't make any logical sense.

An Innocent Shower

I have nothing to say about this that won't make me blush. Practicing good personal hygiene was never more satisfying.

My Monkey, Loose In The Zoo

Even without the lemurs, a wonderful and fun time- although next time I will have to try the Wild Cheetah Experience.

The Wit

A truly wonderful place- but the time there was far too short.

The Wit's Bathroom

There could be a theme developing here when it comes to personal hygiene- again, far too short and rushed, but still wonderful.

I Wanted To Dance Like A White Boy

Sadly, I Have No Rhythm

But I Would Still Shake My Skinny White Ass

More fun than I expected, entertaining and toe-tapping, I can see why it moved to Broadway.

Saguaro Lake Ranch

Where my horse tried to kill me- I am not sure if that was planned ahead of time, or just a chance coincidence. My view from the back of the pack couldn't have been more splendid- and I am glad I had a wide angle lens on my camera.

More Equine Madness

Not as scenic as the Saguaro Lake Trails, but memorable and beautiful, and quite peaceful riding back at night. Again, I had the best view of the bunch.

MEAT!!!!!

Nothing like breaking up your ride with a pound of undercooked beef.

The above are just a small, minute sampling of the memorable moments I have had recently. But none of them would have really meant anything without that one special person, the tie that binds all of these, and so many other heavenly moments together, and makes my life worth living. I can remember virtually every moment we have spent together, and each one is a treasure that cannot be valued.

My Special One- The Tie That Binds Every Moment

I am weightless when I am with her, and the world buzzes with magic and hope every time we are together. Until I met her everything in my life was unbound, chaotic. Now I awake every morning with the promise that every moment will be filled with wonder and awe that such a woman would love, and be loved by, me.

I bow before her, and she wraps me up with love, warmth, and affection.

God, life can be good sometimes.

THE MYSTERY CONTINUES

And tonight again, she sleeps- hopefully.

We are not together this time, but she still haunts me and surrounds me from across the distance. I lie here, miles away, and I can feel her essence within and without, and my heart weighs heavy for her and the things she is going through.

She has taken the leap from the known to the unknown, and she has done it with a dignity and resolve that put almost everyone to shame. Most people yearn for things, yet do little to achieve their desires, afraid of the unknown. Yet she took stock of her life and her situation, didn't like what she found there, and chose to do something about it.

God I hope she is sleeping right now, she has earned it.

Every night the stars come out. In different times they were thought to represent gods, lovers, legends- either placed in the heavens to look down upon us, or residing there by choice. I know the stars have been there forever, and will be there long after I am gone, and that they shine down on us indifferently. But tonight, while she sleeps, I like to think they are looking down upon her and smiling, and saving a spot for her.

She was a mystery to me when I first met her, she remains a mystery to me now- a wonderous, beautiful enigma that I never want to solve. I ache for her in ways that defy description or logic, and she constantly reminds me that there is magic in this world. It is in her eyes, in her sex, in her being, and she doesn't even realize it.

She sleeps tonight, alone. But maybe for the first time in a while she sleeps free, and as herself. The world that awaits her is going to be the world that she creates for herself, not one created for her. Given her grace, warmth, tenderness, and humanity, I can only imagine what a wonderous world it will be, and I so much pray that she will invite me into her new world to stroll through her gardens with her, hand in hand.

The stars look down, tonight and every night, and even they are moved by her.

Sleep well my love.