THE LINE THAT DRAWS ITSELF

I had something different planned for this little entry, but things change. I am heartbroken, pissed off, sick, tired, and feel utterly alone. And I guess for all intents and purposes I am. At this exact moment I don't feel warmth or happiness or loved or even the potential for any of these things. I feel complete and utter despair for what are completely irrational reasons. I cannot begin to justify these feelings, i know, and I also know that part of the reason for my heartache and pain is just pure selfishness on my part, thinking or wanting somebody to say or do something for me when they already have enough on their own plate to deal with. I know this isn't the case, but right now I feel like I am being taken a bit for granted, and that maybe I don't mean as much as I would like to think I do.

I also am sick with worry. I am watching someone I love and care for and would literally die for make decisions based upon her better nature that I think are going to backfire on her. Here is the truth as I see it: as long as I am in her life her former friends, family, and even her husband are going to try to hurt her- they can't help themselves. And nothing she does is going to change that, and they will use her accomodating, sweet nature against her, and she won't realize it until it is too late.

So while I may have become a useless pathetic fool, wanting and hoping to love and be loved by her, and wanting nothing more than to be with her until I die, I also wonder if maybe I just need to back off and drift away into my own fading sunset alone, for hers and my own good. It will kill me if I have to watch her make decisions that I am almost certain are going to backfire on her. She thinks that she can appeal to peoples better natures and that everything will work out. I think she is dealing with pieces of shit who will do anything to hurt her, and that she is unwilling to do what is necessary to protect herself.

And all of this is my fucking fault. I probably should have just stayed out of her life and played out whatever is to come on my own. Now all I want is her and her love, and all I want to do is give her all the love and passion I have in return. Tonight I wonder if she feels as strongly about me, but I am pretty sure she does, although she doesn't seem to get the fact that I desperately need things from her sometimes as well.

SO- I am a bit of a mess, and I am not sure where to draw the line on certain things, or whether me and my happiness are worth the time or effort. But even though I am a mess, and I have all sorts of unresolved things running about my head and heart, there is still one line that draws itself, that I won't allow anyone to cross. It hasn't quite been crossed yet, but if or when it is then there will be no confusion, no uncertainty, just swift, immediate consequences.

And I don't believe in porportional response, or appealing to peoples better natures, or avoiding conflict, just action.

I am sorry I feel the way I feel tonight, and that I wasn't a comfort to the woman I love. Indeed, I am sure I probably hurt her tonight and that is tearing me up as well. I am so very sorry Lili. I don't mean to be an additional problem in your life. But sometimes I need you as much or more than you say you need me. Just try to keep that in mind. And please at least consider what I am telling you about maybe taking a harder, more independant stance. Otherwise I am afraid that all you will end up being is a puppet on a longer chain, still dancing to someone elses tune. You might be in different places, but he will just be controlling you remotely.

God I am so sorry- but tonight I have never felt more alone, and the darkness seems a bit appealing.