PAYING THE PRICE

27 Oct 2013        So close Liliana, oh God was it all so close. And now it couldn't be any further away for me, and after everything I don't even rate enough to get a response, just 90 words- 90 words that cut deeper than a surgeons scalpel ever could, and made even more killing since I evidently am not worth more than that. If another has taken my place than I suppose I can deal with that- but to end it all with those 90 words and no more is the cruelest cut, as if the cost of my soul is worth nothing more. I guess I will never know what it is I have done to be treated like this, but I guess it really doesn't matter much anymore. I so very much hope that everything works out for you, but I suppose I will never know for sure. At least now I know with a crystal clarity which road I will now take, and I know I will be taking it alone. Since I can no longer even be seen in your rearview mirror and it is obvious that the more distant you get from me the happier you will be, I will just turn around and head a different direction. Goodbye to you darling, down the road I go.

The strange thing about myths and legends is not so much what the stories say in and of themselves, but how similar they are across time and cultures. All seem to speak to basic human desires and needs, even the ones with some basis in fact are skewed toward the fundamentals of addressing some basic longings.

Avalon, according to the Arthurian legends, was the island where Excalibur was created, and it was the island that Arthur was taken to by three mysterious women after being fatally wounded in his final battle. Depending upon which legend you read, he either died and was buried there, or he is there still, being tended to by the Lady of the Lake, waiting for the proper time to return and restore Camelot. It is supposed to be a magical place of healing and beauty, where everything and anything is possible, and peace and contentment are shared by all. (Which might explain why Arthur still hasn't returned- fuck Camelot, who wants to hang around a round table with guys in armor when he can be skinny-dipping with the Lady in the Lake)

Aside from the obvious christian imagery the legends of Arthur also seem to be providing a message of hope and enlightenment: Avalon is out there, it might be hard to find, and you might have to go through hell getting there, but for those willing to make the journey there does exist a place where all things may be possible.

Now, I don't believe for a second in a literal Avalon- life is too random and imperfect, and the universe is a hard and unforgiving place. But I do now believe that maybe Avalon can be created or discovered, piece by piece, by two people willing to search for it together. As in all the legends and myths, the journey is and probably should be difficult, fraught with heartache, pain, and suffering. If not for these trials how would we be able to recognize or appreciate Avalon once we find it?

I don't really know where my Avalon might be, but I do know who I want my Lady of the Lake to be, and she exemplifies all of the mystery, beauty, love, compassion and hope of any of the greatest mystery women of myth or legend- except that she is flesh and blood and she moves through this world with a grace that defies explanation.

No, I can't really tell you where Avalon might actually be on a map. It could be a house in northern Illinois, it could be a place down in Central America, it could be in Southern California, it could pretty much be located any fucking place as far as I am concerned (although I might have a problem with New Jersey).

What matters is that I have found someone that I would be willing to share Avalon with. Up until now I never would have imagined a woman could move me in such a profound way that I could even think such a thing was possible, but it has happened, and I will be forever grateful. I know that the Road to Avalon will be more difficult for her than me, and I worry that the journey to my particular Avalon may ultimately be more trouble than it is worth for her, especially given the always present concern I have regarding my time on this plane. But I do know that she will find Avalon, and that I will be there in whatever capacity she will have me, and I am truly humbled and honored by the love she has shown me.

So while I don't quite know how to get there, or where it is exactly, I do know that I will be doing everything I can to find Avalon, or die trying.

I pray I will find her there as well.