THE SUM OF HER PARTS

What is it about someone that differentiates them, that makes them stand out and be noticed? We encounter so many people in the course of our lives, and each one makes some kind of impression on us, good, bad, or indifferent. And we respond to, and make judgements about them based upon some mysterious alchemy that takes place in our heads. Each and every person is like some crazy quilt of physical and less tangible qualities that all merge and blend and register in our consciousness, and upon which we form our judgements regarding that person. Who can really say why we respond instantly to some people in one way, and to others who might seem similar in a different fashion?

I have only really fallen for two women in my life. One was years ago, her name was Theresa and we never really consummated our relationship, and it was never really meant to be anyway. But the feelings I had for her, while strong and important, pale in comparison to the feelings I am experiencing now with the woman I am convinced is that "one true love" that everyone hopes for- and I don't even believe much in that kind of shit.

I have met many people in my life, and I have pursued, and been pursued by, quite a few women. But in almost every case the reasons were strictly physical, or simply a matter of wanting to fill a void by satisfying the needs of the flesh. And while I have experienced an affection for some of the people I have met and known, none of them ever inspired the love that I am feeling now, and none of them ever managed to erase the loneliness or emptiness that I carried inside. Maybe the sum of their parts was less than my subconsciousness was looking for. Until now.

She possesses so many qualities, and the wonderful thing is that they are inherent and effortless, she carries herself without pretension or artifice. I can't begin to understand how she has captured me so completely, but all the tangible and intangible qualities that I respond to she seems to have naturally:

Her sweetness and disposition: I have seen her treat people who are not friendly toward her with empathy and compassion. When others would revel in the fact that those who they are not on good terms with are suffering, she extends warmth and understanding, and offers words of support and comfort, and does so with sincerity. This can't be faked, it is simply in her nature, and it makes the cynical part of my heart melt when I think about her basic decency and humanity.

Her intellect: I can spend hours discussing anything with her, and her insight and thoughts about matters of substance have made me pause on several occasions. She has an intellectual curiosity and the ability to communicate what she thinks and feels clearly. An evening spent talking with her is a thrill and a joy.

Her honesty: I have never heard her say anything that rang false- she has the uncanny ability see things the way they are, and makes no attempt to try and sugarcoat things the way others would- she has been completely honest with me about her feelings and her situation, and I can think of no greater display of respect than that.

Her sense of humor: She can make me laugh or smile on a regular basis. She can be silly, smart, ornery, or sometimes a bit bawdy and dirty- all of which I love. This happens constantly, and in surprising and unexpected ways- and is so in tune with my own sense of humor that it is almost spooky.

Her light touch: I will never understand this one- but she has never put a foot wrong with me. I have issues and there have been moments when I have been very self conscious about things, and she always says or does the right thing to put me at ease or to make me feel accepted in spite of my weirdness or situation. She comforts me when I was previously incapable of being comforted, and she does it so naturally that I don't even realize what she has done until after the fact. God what a peaceful feeling she gives me when I need it most.

And these are just the intangible things, all of which would be more than enough to make me love her madly. The tangible, physical things are so much more powerful because of the intangible qualities she has:

Her eyes: they melt me- plain and simple. They are almond shaped and dark and mysterious, and they can soothe me, make me smile, or turn me on, sometimes all at the same time. Every once in a while they fill with tears, and they can make mine well up also, but they always contain a depth of love and understanding that is bottomless, and when I gaze into them I feel like I am falling into the deepest, warmest pool of water.

Her smile and laughter: so natural and good natured; what I wouldn't do to see that smile or to hear her giggle or laugh: it is the sweetest of music and I do my best to give her reason to smile or laugh every time I am with her.

Her body: I can't even begin to pick my favorite part, her breasts, her ass, the lovely vee of her torso which ends in the perfect curvature of her waist and hips, the smoothness of her skin, the way she feels inside when I touch her or enter her, her hair which frames her face perfectly, whether it is straight or curled, the way her body seems to just blend with mine regardless of what position we may be in. Seeing her naked is like seeing a renaissance painting- every line and every feature blends perfectly, and strikes me on a purely aesthetic level where I can just gaze at it and admire its perfection, and it can also just fill me with the most powerful feelings of desire.

Her sensuality and sexiness: she has no inhibitions and is completely comfortable with herself and her desires, and that is the biggest turn-on of all. To be honest this part of her is so powerful that it intimidates me a bit, she turns me on so much and I love her so much that I always want to satisfy her, and making love with her is like nothing I have ever experienced before. Each and every time with her has been magic. There are also those times when I have just wanted to throw her up against the wall or atop a table and just bury myself in her without any regard. This is what is so weird: she does it all to me. She fills me with lust, love, tenderness, compassion, warmth- whatever feelings of desire or sheer sexuality that are possible, she manages to inspire them in me, and sometimes I have no idea what I am doing with her, other than trying to respond to her and satisfy her in any way I can. Actually- knowing that I have satisfied her is more important to me than satisfying myself (most of the time anyway- every once in a while I get the urge to just lose myself completely in my desires, and I can only hope that this is ok for her as well, but it still bothers me that I have bruised her at times). God, I could go on forever about the way it feels to be inside her, or even just the way her body feels against mine, and how I love her beads of sweat (when they aren't drowning in mine) and the look on her face before she comes and the noises she makes or the way she cries out- all of these things send me in a way I could have never imagined.

Sorry about that- I was starting to get carried away, this post is about all the things that add up to the essence of why I love her, not just the physical part. But it is because of all the other things that the physical manifestation of love is so goddamned powerful.

So, take all of the above and all the other qualities she has, blend them together, and what you end up with is my Lili, who has completely stolen my heart, and will be replaced by no other. Any of her individual parts would have been enough to capture me; the fact that she has all of the above is a mystery of nature.

The sum of her parts is so overwhelming, so incalculable, that at times I expect her to disappear, as if she were just conjured out of my imagination and will return there someday.

I love her and will never be able to return to her everything she has given me, but I am going to try with everything I have, every day for as long as she will allow me to.

No man has ever been this blessed, and all I can do is work on arranging my parts, so that I may be more worthy of her love and affection.