FILLING THE SPACES

I am quick to fire off my thoughts and feelings when hurt or disappointed, and even though the things that hurt or disappoint might be real for me, I need to not let them overshadow the deeper, more meaningful things that I have, and I need to probably try to cap my emotions when I get bruised.

And since I am quick to fire things off when I feel damaged, I need to be even quicker to convey all of the other, more substantial, things that I am thinking or feeling.

I don't know what is going on, but lately I have been experiencing a heightened sense of just about everything: i feel every synapse firing in my brain, every ache is felt more accutely, every dream is more vivid- good and bad, I get flashes or intuitions of things I shouldn't really have insight into, and I seem to have a sense of people and events that could just be extreme cases of empathy or extrapolation, but seem oddly out of place.

It is a bit like sitting by a fire in the woods, solitary and alone, and hearing something in the shadows, outside of the light. Something is there, waiting, but you have no idea what it is, good or bad.

I sense more keenly the empty spaces I have because I have found someone who can and does fill them. The fact that sometimes I get upset or hurt doesn't diminish anything, in fact the only reason I probably feel the blows more accutely is BECAUSE of the fact that she so completely fills me, and circumstances dictate that for now I can only experience this in person occasionally.

You see I guess I am also a bit afraid- afraid of the unkown, afraid of my mortality, afraid that maybe whatever waits in the shadows beyond the fire might not be friendly, afraid that I am lacking in something, afraid that ultimately I will still end up on the outside looking in, for reasons beyond my control.

But then I look at some pictures, or read a message or post, and I realize that we choose what we fill our empty spaces with. The thing in the darkness could have fangs or wings, it could damage us or fly us away to another, more magical place. We all have these empty spaces, and we all search for the things to fill them with, what we choose to put there is entirely up to us. We can settle for the inconsequential, and tell ourselves that it is more important to be filled with something, anything, than to remain empty, or we can wait and fill them with only that which we recognize as having value, and to let them remain empty for as long as it takes if necessary.

Do I get hurt and disappointed- yeah I do. But that really is probably more a reflection on me and my current state than anything else. What is more important is that I have found the currency with which I want to fill myself, and it is with the love and care and affection of a woman who probably deserves far better than I- she shines and glows with a decency and warmth that I marvel at. She excites me: emotionally, physically, and she is everything I could want in a true partner.

Sometimes at night, on the too few occasions we are together, I will lie or sit beside her, listening to her soft breathing, watching her breasts rise and fall, the stillness on her face so perfect it should be carved in marble, and for no apparent reason my eyes will just fill with tears- I sit there, overwhelmed with the perfection of the moment. At these times I am happy she is a deep sleeper, who needs to wake up and find a naked blubbering idiot beside them. But the tears are just vacating and leaving an empty space for her to fill, and at these times the world around me no longer exists, and the only thing that matters is that I am beside a woman of substance, who has allowed me to share her bed and her life.

Yeah- I have empty spaces, and yeah I am probably to quick to bruise. But that just leaves more for her to fill and heal.

I choose to imagine that the thing in the darkness is a unicorn, just waiting for the right moment to show itself and lead me to her.

God I hope I am right.