WHERE ALL ROADS LEAD

Strange isn't it? We all lead our lives in different ways, taking individual paths, most of us unaware of anyone else's existence, and yet all of our individual roads will end up dumping each of us off at the same place. We all travel winding, seperate paths, negotiating our way through matters of the head and heart in different ways, trying to find the trail that will lead us to some place of personal satisfaction, hopefully ignoring the fact that no matter which path we take, it does eventually reach a dead end.

Is it better to know how and approximately when your road will end- or better just to acknowledge that it will end at some time and place, in whatever fashion, and leave it at that?

It appears that I am some kind of modern medical oddity: my body has decided that having one potentially fatal problem wasn't enough, so why not have several? I have always been an over-achiever that way. And each problem has specific issues that I am going to have to deal with, and in some cases dealing with one could exacerbate another. All of the scenarios are grim, and all end rather unpleasantly. All of them can be managed or "treated", but none cured. All potential treatments would also result in substantial adjustments to the way I am now living, and would have high probablities of involving other people in having to care for me at times.

And all of this before I have even completed all of the tests or received all of the results back- God I am good.

The reality is that, depending on which of the various afflictions gains supremacy, I could tip over tomorrow should my heart decide to take a vacation, or I could hang around for a while while various cancers catch up in the race to consume me. The "for a while" path also means that while I could last a year or three, at some point there would be a rapid decline in my quality of life coupled with an escalation of painful symptoms. I had a doctor 7 or 8 years ago tell me that I would most likely only live another 3-5 years based upon the degeneration of my heart, so I am not going to put too much stock in the time stamp aspect of anything I am told, but the one consistent fact that can't be denied is where this is all heading and how.

I suppose I have to figure out how to handle all this. The simple fact is that each of us, no matter how blessed or loved, travel each of our roads alone. We may share the journey for stretches, but ultimately we end up at our destinations alone. I will not have my life consumed by treatments or medications that will leave me as something other than myself, with every moment devoted to delaying the inevitable. Nor will I deal with the symptoms by medicating myself to the point of un-awareness. At least whatever pain I am going to have is unique and mine, and I will be myself while dealing with it. Also- if/when things reach a certain point I simply refuse to become someone elses problem, or to linger in an antiseptic hospital environment, waiting for the grains of sand to run out.

As I write this I feel no bitterness or anger regarding my situation, it ain't why- it just is. In a way it has provided me with a focus and an awareness that I didn't have before. Maybe the best way to handle all of this is just to put it in a box, throw it in my own mental attic to collect dust, and just pretend that the physical symptoms are nothing more than growing pains. And that actually is what they are. I have always believed that if a person stops growing or learning, than they might as well check out anyway. I now have no excuses for putting anything off, or for avoiding things that need to be done. I no longer have the luxury of saying or thinking that there will be plenty of time down the road to address whatever needs addressing, and I now know that whatever I want to accomplish, I better get started on.

The only thing that hits me hard right now is the fact that I am completely and totally in love with a woman who returns my love to me in spades. I guess I could be bitter about this, but maybe finding each other at this time and place is the best thing for both of us. In some respects she may be my guide- pointing out and leading me down the proper path, where the road still ends, but the journey there is a wonderous, joyful ride, where I arrive with as much dignity and humanity as possible. And hopefully I can provide a warmth and love and companionship and frienship that she so richly deserves, even if it is in a limted capacity and for a shorter period of time than she or I would like.

So all roads lead to the same place, big fucking deal. I am going to fly down mine, windows down- music blaring, engines roaring. And hopefully she will come along for the ride for a while, until the time comes for her to get out, and continue down her own highway.

I hope she chooses to ride shotgun for a while though.