"MOMENTS LOST IN TIME, LIKE TEARS IN RAIN"

The title of this post is from the movie "Blade Runner", and has always struck me as an almost perfect summary of what we all will have to come to grips with at some point, at least if we have a hint of introspection in our nature.

I am feeling worse every day, and each day requires more and more physical effort to get through. I have grown appallingly weak, and the simplest activities drain me to the point of exhaustion. I am kind of fascinated by the changes I have been going through, and actually accept what is happening most of the time with a weirdly morbid humor that very few people would understand. But lately this has been tempered by the fact that I have started to account for what impact I have actually had on the world around me, and have also started to realize that there are so many things that I have missed, and will miss out on. I have also recently been given a glimpse of a path that I will never be able to fully explore, and it makes me a bit melancholy when I think about the things that could have been.

But what makes everything even more bittersweet is the  knowledge that I have been given so many memorable moments by a woman who can never fully understand the impact she has had on me, and it bothers me that when I do exit stage left, that all of those moments may be lost in time, like tears in rain.

There are so many:

Listening to her speak to her children, not only like a mother, but as a nurturing, caring person engaging with another unique individual.

Watching her walk away from me with her shoulders slightly raised at the edges, the perfect vee of her torso ending in the impossibly perfect curvature of her hips and ass.

The way she touches me and holds me when I am in incredible pain, never saying or doing anything at these times that make me feel more self-conscious than I already feel.

The liquid beauty of her eyes, which haunt me always. They contain such depth and humanity and convey lust, sadness, warmth, laughter, and every possible emotion swims within them depending upon her mood, and I could lose myself in them for hours.

The soft, delicate, ethereal form she takes on when sleeping: it is like she has been transported from some mysterious renaissance painting and dropped into my bed, taking on a stillness and beauty that takes my breath away.

The golden hue of her skin- so perfectly smooth and soft that no silk could ever match it.

The fact that every conversation with her has meaning- she can excite me on an intellectual level as much as she does sexually and emotionally, and everytime I speak with her I feel an electricity that is normally reserved for matters of the flesh.

There are so many more. I don't think there has been a single moment since I became involved with her that was meaningless or without value, and that is because she has a value that cannot be measured. She makes me a better person in so many ways, and she thrills me on so many levels that I can't begin to fathom how she does it. And it bothers me that these could just end up being fleeting moments that will be lost and forgotten with time, when each one should be carved as a monument to what can and should be between people who are in love.

I like to think that I am above such things, but the reality is that I all too easily succumb to anger and self pity at times and rage against the fact that I am denied the one thing that has brought me a measure of solace and peace, and that I have to settle for less than I want. But that is also the most valuable thing she has given me: the capacity to feel the rage and anger that bubbles up at times means that I have finally found someone who touches me in a way that makes me believe that I too have value and worth. And if I have the capacity to love and be loved by someone who is so much better than I on so many levels than maybe everything I am going through is worthwhile.

All of these moments, each and every one of the emotions she inspires, they deserve to last far longer than I do. Each one of them needs to be waterproofed and defiant in the face of the strongest rainstorm, and the tears can be lost in the rain, but never the memory of what caused them.

God I hope I am causing her more good than harm.