BACK IN KANSAS, BUT NOT BY CHOICE

Dorothy was swept up in the whirlwind, leaving behind a life of gray desperation, deposited into a world of color and mystery and adventure, and at the end of the day chose to return to her black and white world in Kansas populated by the likes of Auntie Em.

What a stupid cunt.

I too was swept up in the whirlwind, dropped into the land of Oz, and allowed to spend just enough time there to realize how dark and lonely and fucked up my world actually was. And just when I started to delude myself into thinking that I could maybe make myself at home there in the Land of Oz, the fucking whirlwind shows up again, plopping my sorry ass back in Kansas.

Here is the question: is it better to toil away in Kansas alone without ever being aware of the fact that Oz exists, or is there a value in knowing that Oz is out there, even if it is a place I will never be able to call my own. I don't fucking know- it is rhetorical question that I am currently unable to answer.

Here is truth: in Kansas I am alone, in pain, and dying. In Oz I am in pain and dying, but don't really care since I am traveling down the Yellow Brick Road with her. But the reality is I am going to be forced to spend more time in Kansas than Oz, and the trip back causes a pain far worse than the physical shit that keeps me up at night, and Kansas is darker and colder on each return visit.

Maybe Dorothy was able to return to Kansas because she knew that Oz existed, and that she was able to gather strength from the knowledge that there was a world out there that wasn't all dark and gray and windswept, making it easier to accept her circumstances. Even if that is the case, she was still a stupid cunt.

I sit here in Kansas, tired and alone, trying to make sense of the dull ache that is eating away at me. It is dark and lonely and cold and I have no fucking idea what to make of all the things that are swirling about in my head and heart. I sit here in Kansas, looking out the window, hoping desperately to get a glimpse of the whirlwind that will grab me and drop me back into the land of Oz, but there is nothing out there but a flat, gray landscape. Maybe this is where I belong. Maybe just knowing that there is a whirlwind somewhere out on the horizon that may be searching for me is enough. I hope and think I will feel this way in a day or two, but right now Kansas is looking pretty god damned bleak, and Oz is impossibly far away.

I sit here in Kansas, pathetically believing that I somehow deserve to visit Oz whenever the hell I feel like it, and realize that I am being a self-pitying, whiny little fool, yet still can't help myself.

Fuck Kansas.