WHAT SHE HAS DONE, AND WHAT SHE NEEDS TO KNOW

No attempt at poetry here- the little episode I am about to describe seems to be still going on, only manageable now. I should probably wait to write this- but I want it raw and unfiltered so she understands what she just did, and what is going on with me. This is important because it is not going to get better and she needs to know that as well. Also, doing this now is focusing me off of the pain.

This is what happened:

Starting this morning the pain in my mid to lower back area reared its head and got progressively worse during the course of the day. This is not a muscle pain or strained disc or anything like that, but a pain inside like a dull knife that is repeatedly inserted again and again. Usually I can handle this, and a hot bath or trying to rub it helps, but tonight it escalated to a constant, sharp pain.

Then the chest pains started- these I know well and can identify them for what they are. I had nitro pills for this- but I no longer carry them with me. Tonight was more severe than usual.

As I laid in bed dealing with the above, I suddenly was hit with a wave of nausea and barely made it to the bathroom before vomiting uncontrollably (this just keeps getting more attractive doesn't it). Even after I had rid myself of everything in my stomach I was still wretching uncontrollably, and my entire body felt like one raw nerve that was being horribly tortured.

Then I started shaking and felt dizzy and immediately felt like I was simultaneously freezing and also sweating. I went and grabbed a blanket from the closet and went back to the bathroom. I also took my phone. I have no idea why- who the fuck was I going to call, but I grabbed it.

So there I am, laying on the bathroom floor, shaking, crying, making all kinds of pathetic whimpering sounds I am sure, naked except for the bathrobe that she had wore just a couple of nights previously and an oversize hotel blanket, and I was panicked in a way that I have never been before, which I am sure contributed to the overall severity of what was going on... and the message tone went off on my phone. "It's chilly here, wish you were here to warm me up". That's it- a simple, sweet message that she didn't need to send. I received it at 10:01, after my little episode had been going on for quite a while and seemed to be escalating.

I would like to say that just the message itself immediately made everything go away, but that isn't the case. What it did do is start to alleve and back down what was happening, and it started me on the path to regaining control of myself to the point that I could start managing what was going on.

She stayed with me, trading texts with me, sending me the sweetest, loving messages and putting up with my panicked incoherent responses. After a short period of time I was concentrating more on our conversation than on what was going on with my body, and my usual calm and stability started to return. Every message she sent was like a shot of morphine for my body and soul. And rereading them now just makes me cry (in a good way).

Why did I grab the phone? Why did she send me that message at the exact time she did, at the exact moment when I was convinced that I would never get off that bathroom floor? I don't know the answers. I do know that in some odd way that I can't define, that whenever the next such episode occurs that I will not fall apart like I did this evening, because she gave me a strength and a calm tonight that I will be able to draw on.

I am not sure I will be able to forgive myself for involving her in my little drama, she has problems of her own that need to be dealt with, and the last thing she needs is to be sucked into my little whirlpool. I want to be there for her, whenever and however she needs me- and her character is such that she ended up taking care of me when I was shivering and crying alone, in a hotel bathroom. And she was hundreds of miles away at the time, but I felt her as if she was in the same room, holding me and talking to me in the sweetest way. What perfect Grace she has, and what a power she has.

I know this is rambling and disjointed, but it is being written as I am experiencing it, and I don't want to edit it in any way.

I love her completely and unconditionally, and I am afraid that I will just be another source of pain or problem for her, when she deserves everything life has to offer.

Thank You- you may have saved me- in more ways than I can name. I will try to be a little more eloquent in the next post.