THE MOMENTS THAT MATTER

We all have them, those indescribable moments that for whatever reasons etch themselves into our memory and stay with us throughout our lives. A first kiss, the first memory of Christmas morning, a particularly memorable bout of sex, the birth of a child. Sometimes it isn't even an activity or action that burns itself into our conscious, but an image or sensation- a particular feeling triggered by something out of the ordinary that makes us pause. If we are lucky there are more of these moments that bring smiles instead of tears. We accumulate these moments over the course of a lfetime, and at the end of the day we hopefully can rummage through them and hope that they add up to something that matters.

In the past several weeks she has given me more of these moments than I have accumulated over my entire life. They are all there, not etched, but carved into my mind with a permanence and substance that makes all other moments pale in comparison. Some of these are physical: the curve of her cheekbones, the slight rise on the bridge of her nose, the mole on her throat, the delicate way her hands move, the feel of her folding into me while she sleeps, the soft gasps while we make love, the curve of her hips under the covers. All of her physicality overwhelms me, even when we are apart. I close my eyes and I can feel her surround me with pure sensuality.

And then there are the other, less tangible moments, that are equally powerful: the depth of her humanity, the sadness underneath the exterior regarding her current situation, the grace and class she exhibits under all circumstances, the way she can thrill me with just a conversation, the intelligence and warmth she exhibits to all around her, the playful smile that lights up the darkest room, the eyes that can radiate compassion one moment, and sheer sexuality the next. She out-classes me on so many levels that I am humbled before her. She has filled so many empty spaces in so many ways that I am at the same time thankful and angry; thankful because I have in no way lived a life that would allow me to be so blessed by her attention, and angry because she comes into my life at a point where I feel like I am being taunted by the knowledge that I am just going to get a glimpse of what I could have had, and then have it yanked away.

I can never repay her for all she has done for me- she has made me a better person in so many ways, and she teaches me more everyday, moment by moment. And each one of these moments I will guard and treasure with my whole being, and hope that I can provide some measure of happiness and comfort in return.

At the end of the day maybe that is all that matters, this accumulation of moments. The worlds we all create for ourselves can be dark and lonely places, but I no longer feel like I have travelled through mine alone and unvalued. Because each and every moment with her has not been singular, they have all been shared, and the power they have comes from the fact that they exist because both of us created them. Out of nothing a garden has grown that I will nurture and tend to till the day I die, even if it turns out to be only in my memories.

Every momement with her is a moment that matters. And I carry these with me everywhere, everyday, for all time.

I am fulfilled.