JUST LIKE CHARLIE BROWNS CHRISTMAS TREE

It is raining here and the wind is picking up, causing the house to sing an odd lonely song. Everyone sleeps, or tries to, thinking of what awaits them beneath the tree in the morning. I am up listening to the house sing in the wind, a strange feeling inside me- thinking of someone a couple of hundred miles away, and feeling a bit like Charlie Browns Christmas tree, a bit sad and droopy.

I am happy for my family, they all seem excited and happy about Christmas, and it is fun to see them all anticipating the coming holiday. But I am completely distracted by how irrelevant I really am in everyone's life- this is not a complaint, just a reality. I am essentially a sidebar in everyone's life, and that is probably the way it should be. I take great joy in seeing everyone happy, but sometimes I wonder, selfishly i know, why I always end up with the short end of the stick.

I am not bitching, I just feel differently lately about things, and I wonder sometimes why I always end up alone and awake in the wee hours, while others sleep, contented and peaceful. But now that I think about it, maybe the Charlie Brown analogy isn't that far off. Sure his choice of trees started off a bit sad and pathetic, but once given a little love and attention, his tree glowed magnificently and proudly.

The woman I love has given me so many gifts, and I treasure each and every one. She has opened up for me a world I didn't even know existed. She lies with me every night, even if only in my mind, and I ache and glow with the memory of every moment we spend together, and I yearn for the next time when we can be together.

I like to think that someday I will be able to celebrate Christmas with her every day, but the odds of that happening are probably slim, but it is still a dream I have. To go to bed each night, warm and safe beside her, touching and caressing her softly, and not being worried about falling asleep because I know she will be there beside me in the morning should I wake, would be the greatest present of all.

Even if this never happens, I am still like Charlie Brown's tree- she took a sad, lonely thing, and transformed into something better, something good, and for that I will be eternally thankful.

So, Merry Christmas Lili. I love you and I am thinking of you as the wind and rain rattle the house. And even though you won't be with me physically in the morning, you are with me inside and your warmth fills me every night.

A few random photos is all I can offer up for you on Christmas morning, that and this: I will always love you, and I completely and fully appreciate you and everything you have done for me, whether you know it or not.

Be safe, warm, and content tomorrow- enjoy every moment with your family, these moments are important, and maybe at some point during the day you can think of me and smile. I will be thinking of you.

I love you.

Now a few upsetting photos

AND THE WORD OF THE DAY TODAY IS.......

Sometimes a single word can sum up so much and express everything there is to express about an emotion or state of mind.

I know that I am being a self-pitying, whiny little bitch tonight, but I can't help it. I am angry and lonely, my body hurts, I have been throwing up for 3 days, I am back in Kansas, and I have no idea if my actions or the things I say or do are the "right" things to do. I am alone tonight, I have been alone most of my life-even when surrounded by others, but now for some reason I have a desperate need to share time with someone I love. This confuses me and throws me in so many ways. I have lived inside myself for so long, and now I am consumed by a woman I probably shouldn't be involved with. I have feelings of jealousy I have never had before; angry that someone else whom I have never met gets to share time and a bed with someone who is, after all, his wife. I get disappointed that I can only spend a limited amount of time with the woman I love, when I should just be thrilled with whatever fleeting moments that can be snatched. I have dealt with my health situation alone and without any assistance or comfort from others, but now I yearn just to be held like a little baby.

God I am a mess.

So yes, there is a word of the day for today. My nature and personality are such that I know I won't feel this way tomorrow, and I also know that feeling the way I do tonight, while not very admirable or attractive, is just plain old human nature tapping me on the shoulder, but I still don't like the feeling very much, and it probably isn't helped by the fact that I have had a few Bailey's (presumably to help dull the physical pains- but I am sure the desire was also to dull the mental/emotional aches as well, which hasn't really worked out too well)

There is a word that sums up everything I am feeling tonight. It conveys anger, hurt, sadness, uncertainty, confusion: all of the messy little things that make us human and fallible. It speaks to the feeling of being in a hotel room alone, sleepless, slightly tipsy, aching and sick, wondering why and how I have gotten to the point where I spend more time thinking about fantasy instead of reality, where fear and regret and uncertainty reign supreme.

The word of the day today is....

Fuck

PARTING THE CURTAINS TO REVEAL.....

what secrets could be hidden here?

Behind these curtains could be anything. Maybe a movie is about to start. Maybe there is a fabulous toaster oven to be awarded to a lucky contestant. Perhaps a stage play is about to begin. What could possibly be behind these curtains? Maybe they are in a magic theater, and every time they open they reveal something different.

the show is about to begin

Oh no- the curtains are parting and the anticipation is almost unbearable. Just sit back, relax, and be thrilled and amazed by the show. Hopefully it won't be too boring or mundane. Maybe it will just be random snapshots from a life of little consequence- but perhaps it will provide little windows onto a world previously ungazed upon.

So without further ado...

I have never posted anything here revealing my true identity. Crime fighting superheros must protect their secret identities. Only one person is aware of who and what I am, and she is trusted completely. A face without a name can do no harm though.

Note the luxuriously full head of superhero hair- the strong, stubbled chin, and yes, the ever manly earring.

A superhero needs a hidden lair, but all I could afford was an above ground dwelling located at an undisclosed, remote location.

The entrance to this bat cave is deceptively inviting and floral, something no other superhero can claim.

Sometimes, when not fighting crime, our superhero likes to randomly landscape theme ponds and gardens, it helps focus him for his less enjoyable, everyday activities.

When not fending off evil, our hero likes to gaze out upon his hidden compound. If you blow these picture up you just might get a glimpse of our hero, hidden behind the foilage.

My crime fighting feathered friends.

A  suuperheroes costume tells you something about who they are- mine says I escaped from the looney-bin.

Most Superheroes have a cool mode of transportation, I have a company car and a daughter who likes to take pictures of me when I am annoyed in traffic.

If evil supervillians don't do me in, these 2 will.

My Idiot Sidekick Jared, who looks like a retarded Jesus.

Sometimes- our superhero takes self-portraits that turn out incredibly creepy and upsetting.

And finally, my one true weakness revealed. She moves through the world gracefully, bringing me warmth and happiness everytime we are together. She is my lover and friend, and she gives me comfort just by sleeping beside me, and all my senses are assaulted by her. She will  never realize how much strength and solace she gives me, and she has given me a renewed interest in life. I will love her until the day I die, and my world will never seem dark again. And she looks pretty damn good with a pompadour. (and the stain on the shirt is toothpaste- no Monica Lewinsky story here). There is no other that I would want to fight crime or household appliances with.

And so the curtains close, until next time- when more little glimpses will be revealed for your viewing pleasure.

I love you Lili

A WINTERS NIGHT- FILLED WITH WARMTH

The snow falls lightly now, and she sleeps soft and still beside me. I have been awake beside her for hours now, and the steady rhythm of her sleeping fills me with a warmth and contentment that I cannot begin to explain. We have come to this place, each with our own needs, and have created a seperate world where all that we are and could be exists in a hotel suite- and nothing that exists outside intrudes upon our explorations of each other.

We will be leaving this world shortly, and we may not have an opportunity to be together again for quite a while, but this world we have created will travel with me wherever I go, and I will visit it every evening when I gaze out across the night-time waters. She is my queen, my lover, my friend, and she comes to me at the oddest of times- comforting me and showing me what is possible for two people in love. Any road taken from this point on will be difficult, and the final destination is still unclear, but everything we have shared and every moment exists outside of normal time and space, and I find that just visiting this world in my mind gives me a solace that I could never have thought possible.

Everything inside of me glows with the warmth of knowing that I love and am loved by a woman of impossible beauty and grace, and nothing can ever change that. The snow falls gently outside the window, and winter has arrived, but I have never felt warmer. Our time here will end soon, and while this fills me with a bit of a dull ache, I at least know that no matter what, she too will be revisiting this time and place in her mind, and she will smile.

I love her with all my heart, and I will always be here for her, as her friend, as her lover, as her confidante, as whatever she wants or needs me to be. It is a bit strange in that that which is given and that which is taken balances out between us, and both of us fill the empty spaces that all of us carry around to some extent.

Who knows where we go from here, and while all roads moving forward may be filled with pain or suffering, there is one road back that leads to this time and place, where she and I shared a room on a wintry Canadian evening, and the world was filled with warmth and promise- and every time I see a snowfall outside my window I will think of her and be fulfilled.