AND THE WORD OF THE DAY TODAY IS.......

Sometimes a single word can sum up so much and express everything there is to express about an emotion or state of mind.

I know that I am being a self-pitying, whiny little bitch tonight, but I can't help it. I am angry and lonely, my body hurts, I have been throwing up for 3 days, I am back in Kansas, and I have no idea if my actions or the things I say or do are the "right" things to do. I am alone tonight, I have been alone most of my life-even when surrounded by others, but now for some reason I have a desperate need to share time with someone I love. This confuses me and throws me in so many ways. I have lived inside myself for so long, and now I am consumed by a woman I probably shouldn't be involved with. I have feelings of jealousy I have never had before; angry that someone else whom I have never met gets to share time and a bed with someone who is, after all, his wife. I get disappointed that I can only spend a limited amount of time with the woman I love, when I should just be thrilled with whatever fleeting moments that can be snatched. I have dealt with my health situation alone and without any assistance or comfort from others, but now I yearn just to be held like a little baby.

God I am a mess.

So yes, there is a word of the day for today. My nature and personality are such that I know I won't feel this way tomorrow, and I also know that feeling the way I do tonight, while not very admirable or attractive, is just plain old human nature tapping me on the shoulder, but I still don't like the feeling very much, and it probably isn't helped by the fact that I have had a few Bailey's (presumably to help dull the physical pains- but I am sure the desire was also to dull the mental/emotional aches as well, which hasn't really worked out too well)

There is a word that sums up everything I am feeling tonight. It conveys anger, hurt, sadness, uncertainty, confusion: all of the messy little things that make us human and fallible. It speaks to the feeling of being in a hotel room alone, sleepless, slightly tipsy, aching and sick, wondering why and how I have gotten to the point where I spend more time thinking about fantasy instead of reality, where fear and regret and uncertainty reign supreme.

The word of the day today is....

Fuck