JUST LIKE CHARLIE BROWNS CHRISTMAS TREE

It is raining here and the wind is picking up, causing the house to sing an odd lonely song. Everyone sleeps, or tries to, thinking of what awaits them beneath the tree in the morning. I am up listening to the house sing in the wind, a strange feeling inside me- thinking of someone a couple of hundred miles away, and feeling a bit like Charlie Browns Christmas tree, a bit sad and droopy.

I am happy for my family, they all seem excited and happy about Christmas, and it is fun to see them all anticipating the coming holiday. But I am completely distracted by how irrelevant I really am in everyone's life- this is not a complaint, just a reality. I am essentially a sidebar in everyone's life, and that is probably the way it should be. I take great joy in seeing everyone happy, but sometimes I wonder, selfishly i know, why I always end up with the short end of the stick.

I am not bitching, I just feel differently lately about things, and I wonder sometimes why I always end up alone and awake in the wee hours, while others sleep, contented and peaceful. But now that I think about it, maybe the Charlie Brown analogy isn't that far off. Sure his choice of trees started off a bit sad and pathetic, but once given a little love and attention, his tree glowed magnificently and proudly.

The woman I love has given me so many gifts, and I treasure each and every one. She has opened up for me a world I didn't even know existed. She lies with me every night, even if only in my mind, and I ache and glow with the memory of every moment we spend together, and I yearn for the next time when we can be together.

I like to think that someday I will be able to celebrate Christmas with her every day, but the odds of that happening are probably slim, but it is still a dream I have. To go to bed each night, warm and safe beside her, touching and caressing her softly, and not being worried about falling asleep because I know she will be there beside me in the morning should I wake, would be the greatest present of all.

Even if this never happens, I am still like Charlie Brown's tree- she took a sad, lonely thing, and transformed into something better, something good, and for that I will be eternally thankful.

So, Merry Christmas Lili. I love you and I am thinking of you as the wind and rain rattle the house. And even though you won't be with me physically in the morning, you are with me inside and your warmth fills me every night.

A few random photos is all I can offer up for you on Christmas morning, that and this: I will always love you, and I completely and fully appreciate you and everything you have done for me, whether you know it or not.

Be safe, warm, and content tomorrow- enjoy every moment with your family, these moments are important, and maybe at some point during the day you can think of me and smile. I will be thinking of you.

I love you.

Now a few upsetting photos