MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

Another Christmas- but this one is heavy and melancholy, and tinged with the most fervent wish. One way or another I will not spend another Christmas like this one, watching everyone else enjoy themselves while I die a little inside. For next Christmas there are 3 options: I won't be around, I will be alone, or I will spend it with the loveliest of Christmas Angels.

My Christmas Angel is the sweetest and gentlest of creatures, and she brings light and warmth to the darkest and coldest of places, and I could not imagine a more perfect way to spend the Christmas Eve than to hold her and caress her in front of a fireplace, telling her how much I love her and care for her, and how the world means nothing without her.

She would be the only present I would need on Christmas morning, the honor of her love and affection is a priceless gift that would warm me every day, and I would want for nothing as long as she kept a place for me in her heart.

I guess this is the curse and the blessing: to know such perfect grace and contentment, and to not want to settle for anything less. I will be with her or I will be alone- there is no middle ground. I no longer care to pretend that I am happy or satisfied with anything other than the one woman who has shown me a love that I am not sure I deserve- she accepts me and cares for me despite my weirdness and uncertainty, and I can only fumble about, hoping I please and satisfy her and fulfill her in any and every way I possibly can.

Even if I end up alone next Christmas, I will be fulfilled. Because it will mean that she has made a choice that has led her to a place where she can experience the happiness and satisfaction she so richly deserves, and I will have a played some small part in that, and I will know that there was always that small, slight chance that I maybe could have shared a perfect, glowing evening with her, beside a fireplace as the snow gently falls outside, believing and knowing that sometimes, against all odds, two people can find and share each other without conditions or judgement, and create a perfect moment together.

I will either have that moment, or I will spend next Christmas imagining that moment, and I will smile.

Merry Christmas