COMMON SENSE PREVAILS

Maybe this story is true, or maybe it is only a fever dream. Maybe it means nothing at all, or maybe it has some deeper significance not easily identifiable at first glance. If true- then what are we to make of this story; is it a sad pathetic tale of someone so consumed that he no longer has control over his impulses, or is it a story of hope springing eternal. Who knows the real answer- we all seem to just fumble about at times, and who can really make sense of these things when the heart overrides the head.

Maybe you have just spent the holidays distracted and unfulfilled. You go through the motions and keep up appearances for those around you, so they can enjoy the season- but inside you are miles and worlds away, with another person who has the power to fulfill all of your hopes and dreams, and it doesn't matter that your body and health seem to be fading, and all of the sad empty moments of the past fall away, and all that matters is that you and your lover are one- each diminished without the other.

Maybe you are tired, weak, and exhausted, and you decide to tell the woman you have been with for years that you are unsatisified and unhappy, and desperately want to find the love, warmth and affection that have eluded you all these years. You explain that you are not blaming or accusing her of doing anything wrong, and that you are sorry if your words and actions are causing pain, but that you are tired of wasting away, physically and emotionally. You explain that even though you have been together for years that you have essentially always been alone, and that after years of making sure everyone else was taken care of and happy without asking anything in return, it was maybe time for you to experiance happiness before it was too late.

Maybe this doesn't go over well and you have to listen to venom and bile. You probably just take it and maybe even agree with it, because the woman has done nothing wrong, she knows nothing of your loneliness or pain or physical ailments because you have never told her, and because she has never asked. And you wonder if you even deserve any peace or contentment- you have always lived inside yourself and have rarely even considered that it might be possible to actually feel loved and wanted, and your past lifestyle included deeds and actions that cause you to loathe yourself occasionally.

So, maybe after all of this you are sitting in your apartment alone, knowing that the woman you love- the only one you could ever really imagine sharing everything with, was going to be out for the evening. Sure- she was going to be with her husband, and surrounded by friends that you don't know, but maybe just the chance to see her and to watch her being herself would provide some sort of comfort.

Perhaps you get in your car and drive- you have done this frequently in the past to clear your mind, and you tell yourself that you aren't really going anyplace in particular, just driving aimlessly to forget the weight that seems to be pulling you under.

Maybe you end up near where your lover is. Perhaps you park a couple of blocks away in case there is someone you might know other than her inside. Maybe you even get out of the car and start to wander closer. You light a cigarette and pause, shaking from the cold and all of a sudden tears start to worm their way down your face, almost freezing instantly.

And then maybe it hits you- there is nothing inside that will help you. She is there with her husband and friends, and going inside would be the most selfish and arrogant thing imaginable. As well as stupid. Going inside won't make you feel any better, only worse. You won't be able to grab her and hold her and tell her that you love her, all you will be able to do is watch her spend time with a man you would desperately love to displace, and the loneliness and pain will only grow. Not to mention the position it would put her in- she has made no decisions yet about her future- you are confident that you will be in that future, but in what capacity is entirely up to her.

So then maybe you do what you knew you were going to do the moment you got in the car and started to drive.

You turn and walk away.

Maybe the drive back seems to take forever and your mind and heart get more, not less heavy. Perhaps you return to your apartment- go up to the roof and gaze out over the water and wonder how it is that you have come this far, only to be alone. And you wonder if it is really that important that you be happy if so many other peoples lives have to be impacted. So perhaps you type up a story, hoping that by writing it down that maybe some sort of weird transference will take place that will soothe and relieve you. So you sit at the computer, drinking and typing, realizing that it makes even less sense when read then when experienced. You sit there, rereading what you have written, a bit drunk, alternating between sweating and shaking- completely exhausted, and finally reach the conclusion that there is no answer to be found. Things are what they are- and on balance the thrill and the love that you have given and received are worth every single moment of pain that has or may be caused. You don't know where you will end up down the road, but wherever you end up you will have the knowledge that for a while, you did not walk alone.

There is a park bench across the street. It sits along a row of evergreens and faces the water. The moon is out again tonight, lightly obscured by thin clouds, and it's pale light reflects off the water and ice and snow. You have sat on this bench many times and tuned everything out before. You decide that after finishing up with your little story that you will bundle up, cross the street, and just sit there on this bench until your mind clears, watching the moon work it's way across the horizon, and wondering what it would have been like to just walk inside, take her in your arms, and ignore the swirling crowd and the man who doesn't deserve her and maybe just disappear into the ether.

Shit like that doesn't happen in real life though, and chances are my ass will just freeze to the bench.