No story here, no attempts at anything other than expressing what is in my heart. Technology is weird- in the old days this would have been a hand written letter that I probably never would have delivered for fear that it would be discovered by prying eyes, but here in our cyber world I can pour out my feelings to you, and you can revisit my inadequate words whenever you want or need to. The ink won't fade with time, the paper won't wrinkle or tear, and you can open it up anytime you feel like it without worrying about someone looking over your shoulder. These words and feelings are yours, for all time- and they will be here for you long after I am but a memory. No matter what happens these words and the feelings they represent are real and are inspired by you- always remember that.
I remember. I remember that it was only 3 months ago that you were above me, naked and glowing, and that you completely startled me by telling me that you loved me. Your words jolted me: I was thrilled and scared at the same time. I had been feeling my emotions growing for you for a while, and I could never have imagined that I would ever be more than a temporary thing for you. With those three words my entire world changed. I know that nothing is certain, and that ultimately your chosen path may be travelled with someone else, but I mean it when I say that in the end everything will be for the best regardless of where we end up, because no matter what happens there will be this period of time when I was able to experience the best of you, and that can never be taken away from me.
I love everything about you Lili. I love your smile, I love the way you handle everything that gets thrown your way like an adult, I love that you and I can just have a conversation and it thrills me almost as much as making love with you, I love the fact that you are not cynical about anything, and that you don't live in some fantasy land, but you refuse to be pulled down into the muck and that you still have the sweetest disposition in the world.
I know this is going to sound weird, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way at all, and I don't mean for it to sound bad at all, because it isn't, but the effect you have had on me has been so powerful that I will never replace it. Either you and I will end up together at some point, or I will end up alone. Not in a sad pathetic way though, not at all. I will be alone by choice, knowing that I had already experienced perfect love, to settle for anything else after that would just leave me broken. And that is something that most people probably never get to experience. And I would never disappear from your life under any scenario (unless you wanted me to).
The only wrong decision you can make Lili is to accept your current situation as permanent- don't let your light be dimmed by inaction. The qualities that make you who you are and the very things I love about you are too valuable to be allowed to atrophy by indifference and neglect. Not to say that either path would be without pain, or that either path would lead to perfect bliss, but your current path has no light at the end, only a slow dimming of your inner light. Don't settle- you bring more to the table than either your husband or I ever will, and don't ever think otherwise.
I am your lover now Lili, and I hope to be for some time to come, but I know that circumstances might not allow that. But I am your friend forever, and I will always love you, whether I am your lover or not. And that is the greatest gift you have given me; the love you have shown me and the love you have been able to arouse in me is so strong that you have managed to sweep away selfish impulses (not that I don't have my moments, or that I wouldn't like things to be a certain way): all that matters to me is that you are treated the way you should be, and that the love you are capable of giving is also being returned.
I remember Lili, now and always. Your smile, your giggle, your eyes, your passion, your humanity, your compassion. Everything about you will be with me till my last breath, and every moment we share is an irreplaceable one, perfect and timeless. That is what gets me through each day now, and it is what will get me through down the road if our paths diverge. And remember, this isn't a one way street- I am always there for you under any circumstances for anything, and will act appropriately, so no matter where you end up going I will be there beside you, helping in any way I can, and loving you perfectly and without conditions.
What a wonderful thing, to have this feeling, and to recognize its value as it is being experienced.
Three words Lili, that's all it took for you to make a difference in my life. And hearing them and knowing that you meant them makes everything that I have gone and will go through, physically and emotionally, all worthwhile.
Because without some pain and suffering, how are we to recognize the true value of the things and people in this world that really matter?
I love you
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