DON'T STEP ON MY T.O.E.'s, or: SCIENCE I CAN ACTUALLY GET IN TO

For decades quantum physicists and theoretical scientists have been trying to find one unifying theory that would unite all the different theories explaining the laws of the universe: how time and space interact, why things happen the way they happen, why does the universe behave the way it does, and why do seemingly random events occur and what impact do they have on the cosmos and on us. This elusive theory even came to have a name, as all objects of a quest should have. It was and is referred to as the Theory of Everything, or TOE (now my title seems pretty clever, huh?)

Now along comes String Theory. I am not making any of this up, and I don't profess to fully understand it, but it is a real theory that Nobel winners and renowned scientists are embracing and exploring. There are all sorts of mathematics and science involved that make my head spin, and there are avenues of the theory that don't interest me in the slightest, but there are several aspects of it that make perfect sense to me. According to String Theory, everything in the universe is actually physically connected via a "string" (or ether perhaps), or series of parallel strings . And everything means EVERYTHING: time, space, dimension: everything is interconnected. and as this/these string/s is or are not rigid, but flexible, they can actually occupy space and resonate in time in a way that could allow for certain previously unthinkable things to occur: a glimpse of a future or past, a connection between two wildly disparate objects, etc. Think of a guitar string- it exists in a straight line, but when plucked it actually vibrates in a way where it appears to be in multiple places at once. Also, according to this theory, things end up attached to the string exactly where they belong- like knots in a macrame necklace, or that the parallel strings can intertwine as well.

A man has visions of or sensory knowledge of a woman who keeps appearing to him throughout his life in ways that defy explanation, but never in a completely tangible way, until one day, in a concrete way that can't be denied, his visions/dreams become manifest in a physical, magical being who seems to be an ideal match for him, and who complements him in every way. Mystical Horseshit? Not according to String Theory. According to string theory these two objects in space and time were actually attracted to and a part of each other to begin with, whether they are consciously aware of it or not.

What strikes me a bit about this theory is that it almost sounds like a scientific explanation for God and religion as well, but that isn't in any of the articles I read, as science and religion don't tend to go to bed together often. But if you think about it, it is not that big of a leap to connect the two.

I have an open mind, and I am not prone to falling for horseshit. But I know what I have experienced in my life, and this is the first time I have come across an explanation for some of the weird shit that could make sense. Each of us exist in time and space, unique unto ourselves, but perhaps when two objects are so right together, so complementary, then maybe they find each other in time and space because they are meant to.

String Theory doesn't address emotions necessarily; it is about mathematics and physics. But aren't love and passion and feelings as elemental as anything else in the universe? I have drifted through time and space for so many years, getting small little hints and glimpses of something/someone who I felt was a part of me, but always remained elusive. And then I actually met you in the flesh Lili, and those small hints and glimpses of magic paled in comparison to the joy and love and hope that you have actually inspired in me.

Maybe we have been residing on parallel strings, occasionally intertwining with one another, and only now have we actually been able to wrap ourselves into a knot that will give us a permanence in this universe. The life you have been living was not the knot, just a brief entanglement that the universe and you have recognized as momentary- like a ball of yarn that has to be unwound. But for me, I like to think that we have been bumping into each other for a while, whether we knew it or not, and now that we do recognize each other we will create the strongest knot in the universe, and we will never be parted again.

So maybe there is something a bit mystic in all of this my love. While a theory can explain how or why something might happen, it can't begin to decipher the things that make us human, that explains our wants, needs, and desires. All I know is this: my physical days on this earth are numbered, but the love and passion I have for you are solid and without limits, they will exist long after I pass on to whatever awaits me. They are wrapped up in the knot we have tied together in the infinite ether of the universe, and they will visit you time and again, to comfort you when I am not around, to serve as an example to others, to influence others in a positive way. I am human, I have many faults, but everything good that I have or could be has been strengthened by your love and compassion, and we will shine as the brightest stars in the galaxy, undimmed for all time.

There is a song by Van Morrison- not "Brown Eyed Girl", but one called "She Gives Me Religion". I always loved the song, but never really got the sentiment. I get it now Lili. Too many people use religion for whatever purposes serve them, unfortunately some of your friends are doing this as well. But maybe they should be thinking about what purpose they should be serving their religion instead.

Whatever you want to call your religion by: Science, String Theory, The Theory of Everything, God, Jehovah, whatever; I know this to be true: you and I are serving our religion well, and it is timeless, and true, and right, and the universe approves.

Sorry for this story, it isn't much of one and is probably pretty boring. But I just wanted to make a (pathetic I am sure) attempt to convey what I am feeling and how and why you are so special and important to me. It isn't just for petty, selfish reasons- but it is because it is the way it should be, and it was only possible for me with you.

And I like the idea that you and I will continue to be bound together, throughout time and space, to revel in our love for eternity.

And if that doesn't have the hand of God in it, then what else possibly could?

THROUGH A CRYSTAL BALL, DIMLY

I have a crystal ball. Unfortunately for me, this crystal ball is pretty much useless when it comes to predicting anything, all it is capable of is visualizing my wants and desires. It won't tell me what will happen, it just shows me glimpses of what I would like to happen. I think I bought it in New Jersey, which would explain why it doesn't work as it should.

Still- there is a small comfort in being able to gaze into it and picture what could happen, and what future I might be able to have.

Come... gaze into it with me, and see what my future would be, if I could control it.

The clouds part to reveal a garden setting. There are only a few people present- a man and a woman, 4 children, a few friends perhaps, but it is a small, intimate, peaceful gathering. They are all assembled to take part in a celebration of love and comittment, and the ceremony uniting the man and woman in marriage is personal and not necessarily the traditional way of doing such things, but it is unique to the man and woman, and will celebrate all of the things that draw them to one another. The man wants no other woman, and his entire world will revolve around her and her children for the rest of his life, and everything he lives for will be for them. There is nothing the man wants or needs beyond them, and even though the children aren't his, and never could be, he will love and revere them and do anything in his power to nuture and care for them, and provide them with comfort and love and understanding, and he will be there for them for anything. He will never try to usurp their biological fathers role or importance in their lives, but he will always try to be an example and role model for them, so that they may know that they are loved and have a value in this world, and that their mother is revered and cherished by a man who looked into her and saw nothing but wonder and beauty. This vision of hope and happiness is a recurring one in my crystal ball, and has not been arrived at lightly- it is all I want. I know it might take some time, and that there would be bumps along the path, but being united with the woman I love would complete me in a way nothing else in my life has, and I would hope that she would feel the same way.

Give the ball a shake and gaze again. This time the view is a little cloudier, and not necessarily as defined as the previous vision, but it is still there none the less. There is a house, a home, and it could be any house, because those who live there make it a home and a haven for all. There are the man and woman, there are the four wonderful, beautiful children, and obscured by the milky ether in the ball, it is perhaps possible to see a fifth child, boy or girl- it wouldn't matter. The man can think of no greater honor then to have the woman consent to bear their child. The beauty and wonder and awe the man feels for the woman would have their ultimate manifestation in a child that both could call their own, and all the love, respect, affection, and warmth that each feel for the other would also be conveyed onto the child. This vision is not as tangible as the previous one- there are so many things to consider: her previous children, nothing could ever come between the mother and them, they are and always should be the first consideration, her age and place: this is probably the time in her life that she should be looking forward to being unbound, where her life truly is hers to live as she wants, the mans longevity: the simple reality is that any child born of the man and woman would probably not have his/her father around to see them reach full adulthood, and the woman would probably end up a single parent again. So many things to consider, but that doesn't mean that the desire is any less real.

Yes- I have a crystal ball. It shows me what I want to see. I see endless days of summer spent with a woman and her children, laughing, loving, and reveling in every moment. I see soft warm nights spent sharing a bed with a woman who excites every sense in my body, and waking to her beauty and warmth every morning. I see us being together, not just in an informal, casual way, but united in love for all to see. I see a family in the truest sense of the word, even if the man is not the true father, he will love each as his own, and will support them in any way throughout their lives, and if nothing else will be a true friend to them always.

My crystal ball isn't very useful I guess, it won't show me things that will be- only what I would like to be. But it still fills me with a warmth to gaze into it and to imagine that such things may be possible. I can only hope and pray that when she gazes into it she perhaps sees a similar vision. If not, nothing changes- I will still love, cherish and support her in any and every way I can- nothing will ever change the way I feel about her. But God I would give anything for both of us to gaze into my crystal ball and see the same possible future.

It would be nice to have a crystal ball that would actually tell and show me what will actually be, not just what I want to be, and I guess I have learned a valuable lesson.

Never buy a fucking thing in New Jersey.