Another endless, sleepless night.
Oh God, when will it end. My body is in revolt right now, and every moment is a bit of an agony, mentally and physically.
And for some sadistic reason the Clockmaker decided to instruct everyone in my life to choose today as a day where they should all demonstrate their dissatisfactions with me, to let me know how sadly lacking I am in nearly every way, how disappointing I am in a variety of capacities.
They are all probably right.
I can't seem to get anyone to see me right now, and when I try all I do is hurt or upset them. And I ache in ways that I can't communicate to people in any meaningful way. And oh fuck I am in excruciating physical pain right now that just gets worse with every passing moment and it won't fucking stop.
The clock ticks away the moments indifferently, and everyone sleeps but me. Everyone has seen fit to let me know where I stand in their books, and all I can do is type out these pathetic little pieces to keep my mind off what is going on in my body, head, and heart. And the reality is even these will drift off and fade away into the electronic ether- I am just screaming into the void.
I don't know what the hell to do right now. I either need to get to a hospital or go off and check into a hotel for a few days and try to get my body in a manageable state anyway. I probably just need to go silent and fade away for a bit until I can manage my body, feelings, and emotions a bit better.
I am so fucking tired of hurting, in so many ways, and I really, honestly don't blame anyone for the hurt I feel- I have chosen my own path and deserve whatever happens to me.
But I hope that someday everyone will understand that I have God honestly tried to put them before myself as much as I possibly could.
The clock ticks indifferently, and right now I just want to sleep.
For all I have disappointed- I am truly sorry.
Time to go silent for a bit- I am of no use to anyone right now, and I can't much muster the energy to even attempt to seem ok or normal at this point.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
THE DEAFENING SILENCE
So here I am.
The middle of the night- a fire slowly fading, a silver dollar moon in the sky illuminating the landscape, a cacophony of nightsounds breaking the stillness: frogs singing, coyotes howling, raccoons rustling in the brush, and a deafening silence from the one that matters.
This will make no sense to anyone other than me. The first time I experienced one of my "moments" was in grade school. I was 7 or 8, and i was in the gym, which also served as the lunch room. The school didn't serve lunch, only milk and beverages- all children were expected to bring their own lunches. I was sitting there, opening my industrial type lunch box, pulling out my thermos of soup, when all of a sudden everything became heightened. It was as if every sound, every voice, was aggregated and compiled and combined to produce a complete assault on my senses. And as I sat there, I began to isolate and identify thoughts and conversations for specific kids, even those who were far to far away to hear with my ears. I cast my eyes about and just by focusing on a person it seemed as if I could hear not only exactly what they were saying, but also what they were thinking. I know this makes no sense whatsoever, and I also know it makes me sound like a mental case. But I am not prone to whimsy, and these "moments" have happened often enough that I realized that they were real, and not just a product of an overactive imagination.
But at the time the experience was so powerful, and so disconcerting, that I essentially "shut down" for a couple of months. The whole episode was compounded by the fact that after this first time these "moments" seemed to happen on a regular basis, and they so overwhelmed me that I would become immobilized for a period of time. These episodes diminished in frequency as I grew older, and when they did happen I grew more accomplished in hiding them from others. I also found that on occasion whatever it was I was experiencing would later prove to be completely wrong, so I decided that whatever was going on was just a bizarre oddity of psychology.
I don't know what this has to do with anything right now honestly. But it is my 48th birthday, I am sitting beside a dying fire with my laptop and a small battery operated lantern, and I am trying to make sense of a remarkable number of "moments" that have happened recently. And these "moments" have been combined with enough actual "real" world events so that I am left with a deep melancholy as I listen to the fire crackle and watch the moonlit shadows play across the landscape.
Another year has passed. I won't elaborate, but I have been given a glimpse of what is in store for me. I have found someone and something I desperately want, and I have tried every way I know how to drop hints of what I expect and need and want to hear from her, and the silence back is deafening. This is not her fault, I can't even define what I am experiencing, and I am woefully inadequate in trying to convey my feelings. But words, deeds, and actions matter, and I have to come to grips with my disappointments because they are more a reflection on me than anyone else.
The fire fades, the moon works its way across the horizon, and I can almost picturing myself 1000 years ago, beside a similar fire, aching for something undefinable, imagining things that might be.
And while the night is alive with sounds that define the darkest hours, the words and thoughts that I long to hear remain unspoken, and I can only watch the embers die slowly.
Sometimes the silence truly is deafening.
The middle of the night- a fire slowly fading, a silver dollar moon in the sky illuminating the landscape, a cacophony of nightsounds breaking the stillness: frogs singing, coyotes howling, raccoons rustling in the brush, and a deafening silence from the one that matters.
This will make no sense to anyone other than me. The first time I experienced one of my "moments" was in grade school. I was 7 or 8, and i was in the gym, which also served as the lunch room. The school didn't serve lunch, only milk and beverages- all children were expected to bring their own lunches. I was sitting there, opening my industrial type lunch box, pulling out my thermos of soup, when all of a sudden everything became heightened. It was as if every sound, every voice, was aggregated and compiled and combined to produce a complete assault on my senses. And as I sat there, I began to isolate and identify thoughts and conversations for specific kids, even those who were far to far away to hear with my ears. I cast my eyes about and just by focusing on a person it seemed as if I could hear not only exactly what they were saying, but also what they were thinking. I know this makes no sense whatsoever, and I also know it makes me sound like a mental case. But I am not prone to whimsy, and these "moments" have happened often enough that I realized that they were real, and not just a product of an overactive imagination.
But at the time the experience was so powerful, and so disconcerting, that I essentially "shut down" for a couple of months. The whole episode was compounded by the fact that after this first time these "moments" seemed to happen on a regular basis, and they so overwhelmed me that I would become immobilized for a period of time. These episodes diminished in frequency as I grew older, and when they did happen I grew more accomplished in hiding them from others. I also found that on occasion whatever it was I was experiencing would later prove to be completely wrong, so I decided that whatever was going on was just a bizarre oddity of psychology.
I don't know what this has to do with anything right now honestly. But it is my 48th birthday, I am sitting beside a dying fire with my laptop and a small battery operated lantern, and I am trying to make sense of a remarkable number of "moments" that have happened recently. And these "moments" have been combined with enough actual "real" world events so that I am left with a deep melancholy as I listen to the fire crackle and watch the moonlit shadows play across the landscape.
Another year has passed. I won't elaborate, but I have been given a glimpse of what is in store for me. I have found someone and something I desperately want, and I have tried every way I know how to drop hints of what I expect and need and want to hear from her, and the silence back is deafening. This is not her fault, I can't even define what I am experiencing, and I am woefully inadequate in trying to convey my feelings. But words, deeds, and actions matter, and I have to come to grips with my disappointments because they are more a reflection on me than anyone else.
The fire fades, the moon works its way across the horizon, and I can almost picturing myself 1000 years ago, beside a similar fire, aching for something undefinable, imagining things that might be.
And while the night is alive with sounds that define the darkest hours, the words and thoughts that I long to hear remain unspoken, and I can only watch the embers die slowly.
Sometimes the silence truly is deafening.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
AND SO IT GOES
Never again.
Never again will I allow myself to be taken for granted. Never again will I put myself in a position where I willfully allow people to take what they can from me, and return only what is convenient for them.
Never again will I put up with being the one that is settled for- I have more to give than most, and if that isn't valued or recognized as meaning more than the perception of others, than fuck it.
Never again will I let what I would like to be overshadow the reality of what is.
Never again will I ignore actions, words, or deeds that demonstrate a casual disregard
Never again will I allow people to act as if I exist for their benefit alone
Never again.
I just realized that I would rather fucking die alone, unnoticed or unmourned, then be treated as a useful fool
Yeah- I want the same things as everyone else, big fucking deal, the universe doesnt exist to cater to my whims.
And so it goes
Never again will I allow myself to be taken for granted. Never again will I put myself in a position where I willfully allow people to take what they can from me, and return only what is convenient for them.
Never again will I put up with being the one that is settled for- I have more to give than most, and if that isn't valued or recognized as meaning more than the perception of others, than fuck it.
Never again will I let what I would like to be overshadow the reality of what is.
Never again will I ignore actions, words, or deeds that demonstrate a casual disregard
Never again will I allow people to act as if I exist for their benefit alone
Never again.
I just realized that I would rather fucking die alone, unnoticed or unmourned, then be treated as a useful fool
Yeah- I want the same things as everyone else, big fucking deal, the universe doesnt exist to cater to my whims.
And so it goes
Monday, August 9, 2010
QUESTIONS ANSWERED IN TIME
My Sweetest Liliana,
There are many paths, many roads that we can travel, and unfortunately these byways appear on no map. We choose our paths using instinct, tuition, just blind faith, whatever. But the paths never choose us Liliana. We end up where we end up because of the choices we make along the way, the turns we decided to take, and the ones we didn't, but the choices are ours and ours alone.
They say the most important rule for a trial lawyer is to never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to. For the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling with whether or not to ask you a question, not necessarily because I didn't know what the answer would be, but because I wasn't sure if it was even appropriate to bring up, and because I was fairly sure that the answer would probably cause me more harm than good.
You were honest with me, and I love you for that. For whatever reason we seem to be on seem weird wavelength together, and I have some odd connection with you- if you hadn't been honest with me I would have known or sensed it, and that would have been the worst kind of cut.
Make no mistake though- for reasons that I can't fully explain I am hurt and wounded, but I get it- I really do. But had you tapped danced around it or I felt you had lied to me, well, that I couldn't deal with. I am not a child though, I know that the words I would have liked to have heard only would have been spoken and meant in a fairy tale- but that doesn't mean that I still can't wish I had heard them. I do know this- I can't love you any more than I do, and I am certain that there is nothing I have held back from you, I give you everything I am capable of giving, so if for whatever reason this isn't enough, it won't be because I kept my emotions in check.
I kinda know you pretty well by now Liliana, and I have also learned a little bit about human nature in my advanced age. There are going to be plenty of ways to justify it if certain things to happen- but don't think for a second that it will be for any other reason than you wanted it or allowed it to happen. That isn't a bad thing I guess, you are an adult and can and should make your own choices. But unless I am completely wrong, you will only have a few fleeting moments of instant gratification, without a whole lot to show for it afterward. And the things that you could get away with, or would have less significance perhaps, with someone who you don't have the kind of history with that you have with Dale, well they take on a different and deeper meaning given that history with him- there is whole lot less innocence involved in risque behavior or patterns or conversations with you two than there would be with someone else, and I am sure that is maybe a thrill for you, and if you feel you still need or want that, then just disregard everything above, but every comment or moment has a potentially more shaded meaning with you two, no matter how you try to disregard it.
I love you totally Liliana, I hope you navigate well. I will travel with you for as long as you will have me, but there are some paths that you must decide on your own whether or not they are worth taking.
And all I can do is sit on the sideline, and wait for the answers to questions I would rather not contemplate- and that is ok, because I know that you don't honestly have an answer for these questions yet either.
Here's to hoping that we arrive at the destination together.
There are many paths, many roads that we can travel, and unfortunately these byways appear on no map. We choose our paths using instinct, tuition, just blind faith, whatever. But the paths never choose us Liliana. We end up where we end up because of the choices we make along the way, the turns we decided to take, and the ones we didn't, but the choices are ours and ours alone.
They say the most important rule for a trial lawyer is to never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to. For the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling with whether or not to ask you a question, not necessarily because I didn't know what the answer would be, but because I wasn't sure if it was even appropriate to bring up, and because I was fairly sure that the answer would probably cause me more harm than good.
You were honest with me, and I love you for that. For whatever reason we seem to be on seem weird wavelength together, and I have some odd connection with you- if you hadn't been honest with me I would have known or sensed it, and that would have been the worst kind of cut.
Make no mistake though- for reasons that I can't fully explain I am hurt and wounded, but I get it- I really do. But had you tapped danced around it or I felt you had lied to me, well, that I couldn't deal with. I am not a child though, I know that the words I would have liked to have heard only would have been spoken and meant in a fairy tale- but that doesn't mean that I still can't wish I had heard them. I do know this- I can't love you any more than I do, and I am certain that there is nothing I have held back from you, I give you everything I am capable of giving, so if for whatever reason this isn't enough, it won't be because I kept my emotions in check.
I kinda know you pretty well by now Liliana, and I have also learned a little bit about human nature in my advanced age. There are going to be plenty of ways to justify it if certain things to happen- but don't think for a second that it will be for any other reason than you wanted it or allowed it to happen. That isn't a bad thing I guess, you are an adult and can and should make your own choices. But unless I am completely wrong, you will only have a few fleeting moments of instant gratification, without a whole lot to show for it afterward. And the things that you could get away with, or would have less significance perhaps, with someone who you don't have the kind of history with that you have with Dale, well they take on a different and deeper meaning given that history with him- there is whole lot less innocence involved in risque behavior or patterns or conversations with you two than there would be with someone else, and I am sure that is maybe a thrill for you, and if you feel you still need or want that, then just disregard everything above, but every comment or moment has a potentially more shaded meaning with you two, no matter how you try to disregard it.
I love you totally Liliana, I hope you navigate well. I will travel with you for as long as you will have me, but there are some paths that you must decide on your own whether or not they are worth taking.
And all I can do is sit on the sideline, and wait for the answers to questions I would rather not contemplate- and that is ok, because I know that you don't honestly have an answer for these questions yet either.
Here's to hoping that we arrive at the destination together.
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