THE TICKING OF AN INDIFFERENT CLOCK

Another endless, sleepless night.

Oh God, when will it end. My body is in revolt right now, and every moment is a bit of an agony, mentally and physically.

And for some sadistic reason the Clockmaker decided to instruct everyone in my life to choose today as a day where they should all demonstrate their dissatisfactions with me, to let me know how sadly lacking I am in nearly every way, how disappointing I am in a variety of capacities.

They are all probably right.

I can't seem to get anyone to see me right now, and when I try all I do is hurt or upset them. And I ache in ways that I can't communicate to people in any meaningful way. And oh fuck I am in excruciating physical pain right now that just gets worse with every passing moment and it won't fucking stop.

The clock ticks away the moments indifferently, and everyone sleeps but me. Everyone has seen fit to let me know where I stand in their books, and all I can do is type out these pathetic little pieces to keep my mind off what is going on in my body, head, and heart. And the reality is even these will drift off and fade away into the electronic ether- I am just screaming into the void.

I don't know what the hell to do right now. I either need to get to a hospital or go off and check into a hotel for a few days and try to get my body in a manageable state anyway. I probably just need to go silent and fade away for a bit until I can manage my body, feelings, and emotions a bit better.

I am so fucking tired of hurting, in so many ways, and I really, honestly don't blame anyone for the hurt I feel- I have chosen my own path and deserve whatever happens to me.

But I hope that someday everyone will understand that I have God honestly tried to put them before myself as much as I possibly could.

The clock ticks indifferently, and right now I just want to sleep.

For all I have disappointed- I am truly sorry.

Time to go silent for a bit- I am of no use to anyone right now, and I can't much muster the energy to even attempt to seem ok or normal at this point.