I lie here, a thousand miles away from her, lights off, body tired, mind wandering. I know I can't sleep now, but something told me to turn everything off, relax my mind and body, drift off into the ether, and see where I would land. A very faint light illuminates the room through the window, and the corners of my little hotel world are hiding in shadows, concealing whispers, secrets, and dreams.
I lie here, trying to stay perfectly still, regulating my breathing, slowly glancing about, listening carefully, as if I could conjure her here by sheer force of will. I cannnot of course- but there is a feeling of proximity that I can't explain, as if she lingers in the shadows wherever I may be, whispering words of love.
Could she be there, I wonder? Are the emotions and feelings and love I feel for her so strong that perhaps a part of what we share together knows no earthly bounds? Because after a few minutes of lying here, heart heavy, missing her terribly, a strange thing happened. No, she didn't actually appear- that would be silly. But as I lay on the bed, worrying and wondering about her, thinking about the moments we have shared, it almost felt as she was actually surrounding me- almost like that strange wonderous drive back from Michigan. My insides shake and I feel a strange sensation of wonderful tingling throughout my body.
I am sure most people would never understand this, or think that I am some sentimental fool, but the feeling was real and physical. My heart is still heavy because we are apart, but her love and the love I have for her are so strong that she doesn't even need to be here to comfort or console me- it just happens organically.
I know this story makes no sense and has no poetry to it, but I wanted to record it as it happened as this is such an odd and mystifying, joyous occasion, made bittersweet by the fact that she isn't actually here, and I would give anything to have her in my arms right now.
I will try to make more sense of this in a later post- but I know she was, is, and always will be, the only woman for me.
I love her so.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Travelling The Road Unknown
Sometimes it is the simplest of things that have the most meaning. Too often we ignore or don't notice the significance of the things in our life that underscore who we are, where we are going, and how we are getting there. Most of the time we travel like work horses, with blinders on moving in a straight line, following the path that others have created for us.
But not my lady. She has pulled off her blinders, taken a look at the path she was travelling, and decided to change destinations. Her new path has some scary detours, and some hairpin curves that she will have to negotiate with care, but everyday she exhibits more and more confidence and skill navigating her course.
It is just a car, but it symbolizes so much more. It is the carriage that will transport her from a life of neglect and indifference to one of limitless possibilities. Where every morning she can wake up, look in the mirror, and be satisfied that she has done everything in her power to ensure that her life can be hers, and not one where she exists for the benefit of someone else.
She has chosen to travel the road unknown, and her courage and strength are marvels that defy description. And she faces all of this with a smile and determination that underscore all the things I love about her.
Maybe it isn't just a car. It is her enchanted carriage, taking her to a kingdom of happiness and warmth and love that shine as an example to all, and all who live there will be ennobled by her grace. I will be there for her, if she will have me, and I will serve, cherish, and love her with every ounce of passion I have, and I will revel in her glory and love.
She has shown me that such kingdoms do exist, and just like a child I once again believe in magic. I will never be as cute as I once was, but inside I too shine once again, and believe that anything is possible.
All because of her.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
THE TIE THAT BINDS
So many of the precious seconds of our lives pass without notice, flying by and gone without registering any importance or meaning. The truth is that for most of time will pass unnoticed and without any great significance, just infrequently punctuated by those brief little moments that have a value or meaning that warrants remembering later.
I have had more memorable moments in the past six months than I probably have had in the previous 47 years.
In no particular order, a random assemblage of moments and snapshots of time that have a meaning and significance beyond words.
Oh Man, nothing like trying to keep a low profile and then seeing your name displayed on a scrolling screen announcing your presense to 300 some people. Yet a fun, unique experiance.
Sometimes all you need to do is actually look around you to see that in spite of whatever may be going on in our lives or in the world, that beauty and wonder are all around us, even when it doesn't make any logical sense.
I have nothing to say about this that won't make me blush. Practicing good personal hygiene was never more satisfying.
Even without the lemurs, a wonderful and fun time- although next time I will have to try the Wild Cheetah Experience.
A truly wonderful place- but the time there was far too short.
There could be a theme developing here when it comes to personal hygiene- again, far too short and rushed, but still wonderful.
More fun than I expected, entertaining and toe-tapping, I can see why it moved to Broadway.
Where my horse tried to kill me- I am not sure if that was planned ahead of time, or just a chance coincidence. My view from the back of the pack couldn't have been more splendid- and I am glad I had a wide angle lens on my camera.
Not as scenic as the Saguaro Lake Trails, but memorable and beautiful, and quite peaceful riding back at night. Again, I had the best view of the bunch.
The above are just a small, minute sampling of the memorable moments I have had recently. But none of them would have really meant anything without that one special person, the tie that binds all of these, and so many other heavenly moments together, and makes my life worth living. I can remember virtually every moment we have spent together, and each one is a treasure that cannot be valued.
I am weightless when I am with her, and the world buzzes with magic and hope every time we are together. Until I met her everything in my life was unbound, chaotic. Now I awake every morning with the promise that every moment will be filled with wonder and awe that such a woman would love, and be loved by, me.
I bow before her, and she wraps me up with love, warmth, and affection.
God, life can be good sometimes.
I have had more memorable moments in the past six months than I probably have had in the previous 47 years.
In no particular order, a random assemblage of moments and snapshots of time that have a meaning and significance beyond words.
A Clandestine Date That Wasn't
Oh Man, nothing like trying to keep a low profile and then seeing your name displayed on a scrolling screen announcing your presense to 300 some people. Yet a fun, unique experiance.
A Tranquil Afternoon
Sometimes all you need to do is actually look around you to see that in spite of whatever may be going on in our lives or in the world, that beauty and wonder are all around us, even when it doesn't make any logical sense.
An Innocent Shower
I have nothing to say about this that won't make me blush. Practicing good personal hygiene was never more satisfying.
My Monkey, Loose In The Zoo
Even without the lemurs, a wonderful and fun time- although next time I will have to try the Wild Cheetah Experience.
The Wit
A truly wonderful place- but the time there was far too short.
The Wit's Bathroom
There could be a theme developing here when it comes to personal hygiene- again, far too short and rushed, but still wonderful.
I Wanted To Dance Like A White Boy
Sadly, I Have No Rhythm
But I Would Still Shake My Skinny White Ass
More fun than I expected, entertaining and toe-tapping, I can see why it moved to Broadway.
Saguaro Lake Ranch
Where my horse tried to kill me- I am not sure if that was planned ahead of time, or just a chance coincidence. My view from the back of the pack couldn't have been more splendid- and I am glad I had a wide angle lens on my camera.
More Equine Madness
Not as scenic as the Saguaro Lake Trails, but memorable and beautiful, and quite peaceful riding back at night. Again, I had the best view of the bunch.
MEAT!!!!!
Nothing like breaking up your ride with a pound of undercooked beef.The above are just a small, minute sampling of the memorable moments I have had recently. But none of them would have really meant anything without that one special person, the tie that binds all of these, and so many other heavenly moments together, and makes my life worth living. I can remember virtually every moment we have spent together, and each one is a treasure that cannot be valued.
My Special One- The Tie That Binds Every Moment
I am weightless when I am with her, and the world buzzes with magic and hope every time we are together. Until I met her everything in my life was unbound, chaotic. Now I awake every morning with the promise that every moment will be filled with wonder and awe that such a woman would love, and be loved by, me.
I bow before her, and she wraps me up with love, warmth, and affection.
God, life can be good sometimes.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
THE MYSTERY CONTINUES
And tonight again, she sleeps- hopefully.
We are not together this time, but she still haunts me and surrounds me from across the distance. I lie here, miles away, and I can feel her essence within and without, and my heart weighs heavy for her and the things she is going through.
She has taken the leap from the known to the unknown, and she has done it with a dignity and resolve that put almost everyone to shame. Most people yearn for things, yet do little to achieve their desires, afraid of the unknown. Yet she took stock of her life and her situation, didn't like what she found there, and chose to do something about it.
God I hope she is sleeping right now, she has earned it.
Every night the stars come out. In different times they were thought to represent gods, lovers, legends- either placed in the heavens to look down upon us, or residing there by choice. I know the stars have been there forever, and will be there long after I am gone, and that they shine down on us indifferently. But tonight, while she sleeps, I like to think they are looking down upon her and smiling, and saving a spot for her.
She was a mystery to me when I first met her, she remains a mystery to me now- a wonderous, beautiful enigma that I never want to solve. I ache for her in ways that defy description or logic, and she constantly reminds me that there is magic in this world. It is in her eyes, in her sex, in her being, and she doesn't even realize it.
She sleeps tonight, alone. But maybe for the first time in a while she sleeps free, and as herself. The world that awaits her is going to be the world that she creates for herself, not one created for her. Given her grace, warmth, tenderness, and humanity, I can only imagine what a wonderous world it will be, and I so much pray that she will invite me into her new world to stroll through her gardens with her, hand in hand.
The stars look down, tonight and every night, and even they are moved by her.
Sleep well my love.
We are not together this time, but she still haunts me and surrounds me from across the distance. I lie here, miles away, and I can feel her essence within and without, and my heart weighs heavy for her and the things she is going through.
She has taken the leap from the known to the unknown, and she has done it with a dignity and resolve that put almost everyone to shame. Most people yearn for things, yet do little to achieve their desires, afraid of the unknown. Yet she took stock of her life and her situation, didn't like what she found there, and chose to do something about it.
God I hope she is sleeping right now, she has earned it.
Every night the stars come out. In different times they were thought to represent gods, lovers, legends- either placed in the heavens to look down upon us, or residing there by choice. I know the stars have been there forever, and will be there long after I am gone, and that they shine down on us indifferently. But tonight, while she sleeps, I like to think they are looking down upon her and smiling, and saving a spot for her.
She was a mystery to me when I first met her, she remains a mystery to me now- a wonderous, beautiful enigma that I never want to solve. I ache for her in ways that defy description or logic, and she constantly reminds me that there is magic in this world. It is in her eyes, in her sex, in her being, and she doesn't even realize it.
She sleeps tonight, alone. But maybe for the first time in a while she sleeps free, and as herself. The world that awaits her is going to be the world that she creates for herself, not one created for her. Given her grace, warmth, tenderness, and humanity, I can only imagine what a wonderous world it will be, and I so much pray that she will invite me into her new world to stroll through her gardens with her, hand in hand.
The stars look down, tonight and every night, and even they are moved by her.
Sleep well my love.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
A HEALTHY RAGE
I have an anger inside me that won't go away. I am tired and pissed. I am sick of having to settle for whatever I can get and I am tired of having to sit on the sidelines and not being able to do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want it. I do have moments that are incredibly special and mean the world to me, but then I always have to return to the sidelines. I am fed up that I always try to do everything for everyone and then I usually end up having to spend most of my time listening to the fucking clock tick off the seconds of my life by myself.
I want to scream, I want to rage against everything and everyone.
I am going out tonight and I am going to drink myself into oblivion.
I know all of this is irrational and childish and I don't give a rats ass.
I am blazing with a fury that I can't extinguish.
And I have never felt more alive.
I want to scream, I want to rage against everything and everyone.
I am going out tonight and I am going to drink myself into oblivion.
I know all of this is irrational and childish and I don't give a rats ass.
I am blazing with a fury that I can't extinguish.
And I have never felt more alive.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
NOTHING TO FEAR HERE
First of all- I don't think you got this picture and I love it- you are simply adorable in it.
Now, I thought about sending an email, but I want you to have this for all time. YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HOW I WILL REACT TO ANYTHING IN YOUR PAST. The capital letters are for extra emphasis. What you need to know Lili is that the fact that you do share things with me makes me love you even more, and makes me so much more comfortable sharing things with you. I am certainly in no position to judge anyone about anything given some of the things I have done, much less the woman I love. And there has been nothing that you have shared with me that has caused me to pause at all. I have so much love and respect for you Lili, and what is important is not the road that may have brought us here individually, but the road that we are traveling together.
I want to know everything about you, what you have been through, what you have done, what your dreams, hopes and desires are. There is absolutely nothing that you could tell me that would diminish what I feel for you, NOTHING. One of the things I love about you is that you are so open and honest with me, and it helps me open up to you and makes me feel even closer to you knowing that you trust me enough to share very personal things with me.
When I told you earlier that the only thing I would require if we ended up together was that you be faithful to me moving forward, well it goes without saying that I have no worries about this- I trust you completely and totally. And I shouldn't have even said it like that- what I really mean is that I just need you to be completely honest with me, and I know you will be. This has to be the case even if it hurts me- the worst thing that could happen to me at this point would be for you to try to "spare" me anything.
I will be completely honest here, and it is something I try not to think about very often, but sometimes I am a little bit scared of what is going to happen with me. I am reminded occasionally that my days are likely to be numbered shorter than I want them to be, and now that I have met you this bothers me in a way it didn't before. The honest truth is that there are really only 2 ways I can face things going forward: I can wall myself off to everything and everyone and isolate myself so that I am pretty much indifferent to whatever is going to happen, or I can put my emotions, love, and feelings, and every ounce of passion I have, into a relationship with you, and face whatever may happen with a sense of peace and contentment (and this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to give yourself over to me, just keep me in your life in some capacity- I don't want to pressure you into anything- just having you in my life is enough). To be honest one of the things I am scared of is that while I am sure that I would always give you the emotional love you deserve, I am a little bit afraid that a point might come that I wouldn't necessarily be able to provide all of the physical or sexual satisfaction you deserve- there I said it. I know these things are important (food/sleep/sex- remember) and I would never want to put you in the position of feeling emotionally satisfied, but sexually unfulfilled- and it would kill me if it ever came to that. (all right- maybe I think too much)
As far as I am concerned the only thing that matters is what we have together, and if that ever proved not to be enough, on a physical, emotional, or sexual level, or any level, for you then I would just want to make sure that you would be honest with me and tell me. Don't ever hold anything back from me Lili- for any reason. It is the greatest measure of the love we have that both of us should always be able to trust the other enough to share anything, good, bad, or indifferent.
I love, respect, admire, and cherish you Lili- I have looked into you and what I found there has made me glow and feel loved in a way that I can't even begin to describe, and if I have ever said or done anything to make you worry about the way I feel about you, just let me know. Believe me when I tell you that with each passing day, each shared moment, each conversation, my feelings only deepen and grow.
I love you, and I always will, and there will be no other for me, ever.
I want to know everything about you, what you have been through, what you have done, what your dreams, hopes and desires are. There is absolutely nothing that you could tell me that would diminish what I feel for you, NOTHING. One of the things I love about you is that you are so open and honest with me, and it helps me open up to you and makes me feel even closer to you knowing that you trust me enough to share very personal things with me.
When I told you earlier that the only thing I would require if we ended up together was that you be faithful to me moving forward, well it goes without saying that I have no worries about this- I trust you completely and totally. And I shouldn't have even said it like that- what I really mean is that I just need you to be completely honest with me, and I know you will be. This has to be the case even if it hurts me- the worst thing that could happen to me at this point would be for you to try to "spare" me anything.
I will be completely honest here, and it is something I try not to think about very often, but sometimes I am a little bit scared of what is going to happen with me. I am reminded occasionally that my days are likely to be numbered shorter than I want them to be, and now that I have met you this bothers me in a way it didn't before. The honest truth is that there are really only 2 ways I can face things going forward: I can wall myself off to everything and everyone and isolate myself so that I am pretty much indifferent to whatever is going to happen, or I can put my emotions, love, and feelings, and every ounce of passion I have, into a relationship with you, and face whatever may happen with a sense of peace and contentment (and this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to give yourself over to me, just keep me in your life in some capacity- I don't want to pressure you into anything- just having you in my life is enough). To be honest one of the things I am scared of is that while I am sure that I would always give you the emotional love you deserve, I am a little bit afraid that a point might come that I wouldn't necessarily be able to provide all of the physical or sexual satisfaction you deserve- there I said it. I know these things are important (food/sleep/sex- remember) and I would never want to put you in the position of feeling emotionally satisfied, but sexually unfulfilled- and it would kill me if it ever came to that. (all right- maybe I think too much)
As far as I am concerned the only thing that matters is what we have together, and if that ever proved not to be enough, on a physical, emotional, or sexual level, or any level, for you then I would just want to make sure that you would be honest with me and tell me. Don't ever hold anything back from me Lili- for any reason. It is the greatest measure of the love we have that both of us should always be able to trust the other enough to share anything, good, bad, or indifferent.
I love, respect, admire, and cherish you Lili- I have looked into you and what I found there has made me glow and feel loved in a way that I can't even begin to describe, and if I have ever said or done anything to make you worry about the way I feel about you, just let me know. Believe me when I tell you that with each passing day, each shared moment, each conversation, my feelings only deepen and grow.
I love you, and I always will, and there will be no other for me, ever.
Monday, January 18, 2010
CLOSE YOUR EYES, LILI
Close your eyes Lili...
When your heart is heavy and there is no one to turn to nearby, and remember the weight of my skin on yours.
Close your eyes Lili...
When you ache for someone to touch you with love and tenderness, and imagine the sensation of my hand on your breast.
Close your eyes Lili...
Whenever the loneliness creeps into your heart, and remember the look in my eyes, and the love that overflows there, as I gaze into you.
Close your eyes Lili...
When time crawls and you yearn for companionship and affection, and know that I am out there as well, marking the time until we can be together again.
Close your eyes Lili...
And know that someones every waking moment is consumed by thoughts of you and your grace and elegance, and that he recognizes the value of each and every shared moment with you.
Close your eyes Lili...
Whenever laughter eludes you, and recall every smile, every moment of happiness, our shared laughter at some little bit of silliness that only makes sense to you and I.
Close your eyes Lili...
When the words you want to hear at home remain unspoken, and listen carefully for my soft whispers of love in the stillness of the night.
Close your eyes Lili...
If your eyes start to water and you feel like the world is collapsing around you, and know that I will be there for you, without question or condition, to brace you up against the loneliness
Close your eyes Lili...
Whenever the day comes that I am not around, and return to these words and know that each one of them is from the heart and none of them can come close to describing the total love, respect, and desire I feel for you.
So close your eyes Lili... and imagine what will or could be. There is a time and a place that exists for you where you will find the happiness and comfort you deserve. It may not be easy to get to, it may or may not contain me in it, and it may be a while before you get there, but it does exist, and you are working your way toward it.
And do you want to know how you can tell I am right about this?
Just close your eyes Lili, and remember everything we have shared.
And realize that none of it has been a dream.
I love you
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