WHAT SHE HAS DONE, AND WHAT SHE NEEDS TO KNOW

No attempt at poetry here- the little episode I am about to describe seems to be still going on, only manageable now. I should probably wait to write this- but I want it raw and unfiltered so she understands what she just did, and what is going on with me. This is important because it is not going to get better and she needs to know that as well. Also, doing this now is focusing me off of the pain.

This is what happened:

Starting this morning the pain in my mid to lower back area reared its head and got progressively worse during the course of the day. This is not a muscle pain or strained disc or anything like that, but a pain inside like a dull knife that is repeatedly inserted again and again. Usually I can handle this, and a hot bath or trying to rub it helps, but tonight it escalated to a constant, sharp pain.

Then the chest pains started- these I know well and can identify them for what they are. I had nitro pills for this- but I no longer carry them with me. Tonight was more severe than usual.

As I laid in bed dealing with the above, I suddenly was hit with a wave of nausea and barely made it to the bathroom before vomiting uncontrollably (this just keeps getting more attractive doesn't it). Even after I had rid myself of everything in my stomach I was still wretching uncontrollably, and my entire body felt like one raw nerve that was being horribly tortured.

Then I started shaking and felt dizzy and immediately felt like I was simultaneously freezing and also sweating. I went and grabbed a blanket from the closet and went back to the bathroom. I also took my phone. I have no idea why- who the fuck was I going to call, but I grabbed it.

So there I am, laying on the bathroom floor, shaking, crying, making all kinds of pathetic whimpering sounds I am sure, naked except for the bathrobe that she had wore just a couple of nights previously and an oversize hotel blanket, and I was panicked in a way that I have never been before, which I am sure contributed to the overall severity of what was going on... and the message tone went off on my phone. "It's chilly here, wish you were here to warm me up". That's it- a simple, sweet message that she didn't need to send. I received it at 10:01, after my little episode had been going on for quite a while and seemed to be escalating.

I would like to say that just the message itself immediately made everything go away, but that isn't the case. What it did do is start to alleve and back down what was happening, and it started me on the path to regaining control of myself to the point that I could start managing what was going on.

She stayed with me, trading texts with me, sending me the sweetest, loving messages and putting up with my panicked incoherent responses. After a short period of time I was concentrating more on our conversation than on what was going on with my body, and my usual calm and stability started to return. Every message she sent was like a shot of morphine for my body and soul. And rereading them now just makes me cry (in a good way).

Why did I grab the phone? Why did she send me that message at the exact time she did, at the exact moment when I was convinced that I would never get off that bathroom floor? I don't know the answers. I do know that in some odd way that I can't define, that whenever the next such episode occurs that I will not fall apart like I did this evening, because she gave me a strength and a calm tonight that I will be able to draw on.

I am not sure I will be able to forgive myself for involving her in my little drama, she has problems of her own that need to be dealt with, and the last thing she needs is to be sucked into my little whirlpool. I want to be there for her, whenever and however she needs me- and her character is such that she ended up taking care of me when I was shivering and crying alone, in a hotel bathroom. And she was hundreds of miles away at the time, but I felt her as if she was in the same room, holding me and talking to me in the sweetest way. What perfect Grace she has, and what a power she has.

I know this is rambling and disjointed, but it is being written as I am experiencing it, and I don't want to edit it in any way.

I love her completely and unconditionally, and I am afraid that I will just be another source of pain or problem for her, when she deserves everything life has to offer.

Thank You- you may have saved me- in more ways than I can name. I will try to be a little more eloquent in the next post.

CONQUERED IN A CAR SEAT, LOOKING STRAIGHT INTO YOU

Strange, isn't it, how she can conquer me so completely by just sitting there beside me?

Everything about her surrounds me, and I surrender completely and unconditionally, accepting whatever terms she offers, and I can only sit there hoping she will glance my way so that I may lose myself in her eyes. I touch her and I am instantly assaulted by a dizzying array of emotions and feelings that I haven't felt in years, and never as powerfully as now, and the effect is physical, chemical- I can feel her creeping throughout my body, leaving me exhausted and off-balance. I have never been as helpless as I am now, and I am a willing hostage- and I make no attempt to hide it. She breeches all my defenses, not with strategies or tactics, but with her fundamental being and her inherent decency.

The landscape moves by outside the windows, but for me the only world that matters is the confined space we share. We may be moving from one place to another but sitting there beside her, touching her, looking into her, she has created a different landscape for me, outside of time, where all I am and all I could be exists for her, on her terms.

I have no illusions. Sometimes hostages are treated gently, and sometimes they suffer harsh punishment. For me it doesn't matter. What matters is that I return to her a fraction of what she has given me.

I sit there beside her, conquered. And I will never be the same again.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

AND SHE SLEEPS

A mystery lies beside me. She crept in without fanfare or fuss, simple and easy, and brought with her everything that one could want in a woman, and she touched me and moved me in ways I could not have imagined possible. And she sleeps.

I lay beside her, wondering how such a thing could have happened to me now, at this time and place, and my heart skips a beat with every breath she takes. Inside, every emotion, every sensation that has laid dormant, now swirls about in a whirwind hurricane, and still she sleeps.

Everything that existed before this time and place now takes on a greater importance, because the road traveled led to here; this small darkened room, listening to the soft breathing of someone who, without even trying, has brought a light and balance to what had been a dark and dizzying place. And she sleeps.

She sleeps, and I lie awake, feeling like the luckiest person in the world, to think that she would choose to waste a little time on me, and I feel filled in so many ways that tears roll down my face and I wonder what it is about her that can make me feel so priviledged just to share a bed with her, a mystery I will never solve.

I lie awake- senses reeling, every nerve tingling, losing myself in sheer sensation, and she sleeps.

And I couldn't be happier.

THERE ARE GHOSTS HERE

How can you not believe in them? They come unbidden at any time, they flit about the periphery of all of us, dipping into view at will. Not all rattle chains or leap from behind tombstones: some are benevolent, some seek only to make us smile, and some are just there-waiting to be acknowledged. They haunt us all in one way or another, in every good and bad sense of the word. They exist in every culture in every distant land, and they are everywhere humanity has taken hold. No graveyard contains them, no exorcism will rid you of them.

What is a memory but a Ghost disguised by another name? They can be triggered by the simplest of things: an overheard snatch of conversation, a song unheard in years, the laughter of others, a look of sadness on a familiar looking strangers face, even an aroma, or a tactile sensation is capable of unleashing the oddest of phantoms from their dormant states.

If we are lucky, each of us will become shades that will haunt others-one of the benevolent ones that will bring a smile or a wistful feeling to those who allowed us to be buried in their own mental graveyard.

Yes there are Ghosts here, and they haunt me every night. Some make me smile, some make me sweat, some make me cry, and some just plain terrify me.

And I cherish each and every one.

I pray that I join them someday.

Happy Hauntings

A RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS

Recently two people did something for me that moved me so profoundly, and in ways I never thought I would experience again, that it has been almost haunting in its effect. I am sure that for both of them it barely registered at all, but for a (too) brief period of time I felt a peace and contentment that hit me on such a basic and fundamental level that it actually made me woozy, and even now as I write this that strange, knotted feeling is returning.

For you morons out there, I am not refering to anything sexual, although there was an element of sensual pleasure (all on my end I am sure) just from the sheer sensory nature of the experience. This side of it was intensified by the fact that the two people, who don't really know me well at all, took me in and engaged me on so many levels that I think I actually got teary-eyed. It was that rare moment where you actually realize its significance and impact while it is happening, which actually makes it joyous and bittersweet at the same time.

I am generally indifferent to most people; even folks I am friendly with I do not count as friends. These two, neither of whom will probably ever know or understand why, I am indebted to. Their grace, elegance, compassion, intelligence, and fundamental decency have moved me in ways that I could never explain to them in person without sounding like a complete idiot. The fact that my feelings and sensations were most likely not shared is unimportant. What is important is that for a few hours I shared a time and place with people of substance, and it was thrilling, peaceful, sexy and satisfying (and a little frustrating) and I would give anything to feel that again.

The fact that these two exist and drfited into my life is proof enough that we matter, and that all the pain and regret and bullshit are worth wading through to be able to share the moments I shared with them.

Here endeth the sentiment.

KNOWING THE WAY WELL

God I am tired.

I sit here most nights, looking out over the water from the 21st floor, wishing I could just drift away into the ether. Instead I spend most nights allowing my mind to wander down corriders that should remain closed off.

I don't feel like elaborating, but let me say this: they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but that is complete bullshit.

The road to hell is a lost highway littered with regret, anger, self-interest, lust- every base human behavior imagineable.

And I know the way well.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS REVEALED or THINGS I SHOULD BE EMBARRASED BY

Each of the below is 100% true, and I regret none of them.

In no particular order:

My first kiss was actually with 2 girls, Jo-Ellen Skanski and "Tuna" Schone. I was 14, they were both 16, and they took me to Hamilton Park and took turns making out with me. Jo-Ellen tasted like apples, "Tuna" oddly enough tasted like Dorito's

I cry almost every time at the end of "It's a Wonderful Life"

I don't dislike my daughters boyfriend, I just wish he would go away

I resent the time and money I have to spend on my Mother-In-Law

I have had sex with 2 women at the same time, and it was every bit as enjoyable as I had imagined (and no, it wasn't with Jo-Ellen and Tuna, I was 14 for chrissakes)

I stopped taking medications without telling anyone

I am the one who spray painted "Sister Angela-Therese Sucks" on the Queen of Angels school doors in grade school (I know I am going to hell for that one)

I once beat a stranger senseless because of the way he was treating his girlfriend

I was once beaten senseless because of the way I was treating a strangers girlfriend (I was flirting with her, but man it would have been worth it)

My friend Bo and I went to the Senior Prom solo to try and steal peoples dates. It worked, and we didn't have to rent a tux.

Occasionally I will watch porn- but man does most of it suck

I take long bubble baths with Bath and Body Works products at least several times a week, and have never once felt gay about it

I have an irrational fear of dying in my sleep

I think the sexiest part of a woman are her eyes (OK, this one is a little weird, but I will take a woman with bedroom eyes over one with a nice rack- having both isn't a problem either though)