FILLING THE SPACES

I am quick to fire off my thoughts and feelings when hurt or disappointed, and even though the things that hurt or disappoint might be real for me, I need to not let them overshadow the deeper, more meaningful things that I have, and I need to probably try to cap my emotions when I get bruised.

And since I am quick to fire things off when I feel damaged, I need to be even quicker to convey all of the other, more substantial, things that I am thinking or feeling.

I don't know what is going on, but lately I have been experiencing a heightened sense of just about everything: i feel every synapse firing in my brain, every ache is felt more accutely, every dream is more vivid- good and bad, I get flashes or intuitions of things I shouldn't really have insight into, and I seem to have a sense of people and events that could just be extreme cases of empathy or extrapolation, but seem oddly out of place.

It is a bit like sitting by a fire in the woods, solitary and alone, and hearing something in the shadows, outside of the light. Something is there, waiting, but you have no idea what it is, good or bad.

I sense more keenly the empty spaces I have because I have found someone who can and does fill them. The fact that sometimes I get upset or hurt doesn't diminish anything, in fact the only reason I probably feel the blows more accutely is BECAUSE of the fact that she so completely fills me, and circumstances dictate that for now I can only experience this in person occasionally.

You see I guess I am also a bit afraid- afraid of the unkown, afraid of my mortality, afraid that maybe whatever waits in the shadows beyond the fire might not be friendly, afraid that I am lacking in something, afraid that ultimately I will still end up on the outside looking in, for reasons beyond my control.

But then I look at some pictures, or read a message or post, and I realize that we choose what we fill our empty spaces with. The thing in the darkness could have fangs or wings, it could damage us or fly us away to another, more magical place. We all have these empty spaces, and we all search for the things to fill them with, what we choose to put there is entirely up to us. We can settle for the inconsequential, and tell ourselves that it is more important to be filled with something, anything, than to remain empty, or we can wait and fill them with only that which we recognize as having value, and to let them remain empty for as long as it takes if necessary.

Do I get hurt and disappointed- yeah I do. But that really is probably more a reflection on me and my current state than anything else. What is more important is that I have found the currency with which I want to fill myself, and it is with the love and care and affection of a woman who probably deserves far better than I- she shines and glows with a decency and warmth that I marvel at. She excites me: emotionally, physically, and she is everything I could want in a true partner.

Sometimes at night, on the too few occasions we are together, I will lie or sit beside her, listening to her soft breathing, watching her breasts rise and fall, the stillness on her face so perfect it should be carved in marble, and for no apparent reason my eyes will just fill with tears- I sit there, overwhelmed with the perfection of the moment. At these times I am happy she is a deep sleeper, who needs to wake up and find a naked blubbering idiot beside them. But the tears are just vacating and leaving an empty space for her to fill, and at these times the world around me no longer exists, and the only thing that matters is that I am beside a woman of substance, who has allowed me to share her bed and her life.

Yeah- I have empty spaces, and yeah I am probably to quick to bruise. But that just leaves more for her to fill and heal.

I choose to imagine that the thing in the darkness is a unicorn, just waiting for the right moment to show itself and lead me to her.

God I hope I am right.

LOSING THINGS ALONG THE WAY

These little stories of mine generally match my mood at the time they are posted. I have several that have been started at different times, all reflecting my mood at the time, and they will all go up sooner or later. But tonight my mood is indigo, and a melancholy that I have been keeping at bay has finally enveloped me, and what follows are disjointed outpourings of things that have been rattling around for a while, and have resurfaced recently.

On Saturday night, October 9th, 3 kids got in a car after midnight, and only two made it to morning. All three were good, decent kids. All three had parents, girlfriends, boyfriends, siblings, relatives. All three were in what should have been the springtime of their lives. Now two are dead, and the third wishes he was.

Saturday night, October 9th, parents went to bed expecting to see their children in the morning. Friends said goodbye anticipating the next time all would be together again. Boyfriends and girlfriends looked forward to the next intimate moment. Sunday morning, October 10th- all had lost something along the way.

Our lives are a finite trip to an ultimate destination. For the lucky ones it is a long, rewarding trip, full of warmth and happiness, and upon arriving at the ultimate destination the regrets and lost opportunities are overwhelmed by the moments of substance.

We take so much for granted- we expect to have another day, another chance, and very rarely do we take the time to reflect upon what really matters. We make decisions without a whole lot of thought, reacting to the moment, and not necessarily valuing the obvious things, because we expect them to be there always.

I am reminded pretty much every day that our days are numbered. I deal with it in a variety of ways, with humor, anger, pettiness, acceptance- pretty much the entire gamut, depending upon my mood. Yet even given my situation I am struck by how often I too fall into the same trap- thinking or acting as if a tomorrow was guaranteed me, when really all of our time is on loan, and can be taken away indiscriminately.

I realize how precious, how important, each moment is, and that every moment should be worth celebrating, yet I still can't seem to shake this melancholy from my bones. Sometimes, instead of rejoicing in the promise of what I have and what is to come, I spend far too much time chewing on what is denied me, or worrying about when things will come to me. I guess this is human nature, but I wish I could stop being haunted by the fear of things that I can't really control- the reality is I don't have a whole lot of influence on anything regarding my future, all I can do is deal with the present as best I can.

There is a song that has always given me pause, and I shall end with this, from Bruce Springsteen.

Last night I was out driving
Coming home at the end of a working day
I was driving alone through the drizzling rain
On a deserted stretch of a county two-lane
When I came upon a wreck on the highway

Now there was blood and glass all over
And there was nobody there but me
As the rain tumbled down hard and cold
I saw a young man lying by the side of the road
And he said "Mister, won't you help me please"

An ambulance finally came and took him to Riverside
I watched as they drove him away
And I thought of a girlfriend or a young wife
And a State Trooper knocking in the middle of the night
To say "Your baby died, in a wreck on the highway"

Sometimes I sit up in the darkness
And I watch my baby as she sleeps
Then I climb in bed and I hold her tight
I just lie there awake, in the middle of the night
Thinking about the wreck on the highway

Here's to hoping that I don't end up losing things, or of being lost, along the way.

Joe DiMaggio's Flowers

Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn Monroe were married for 9 months in 1954. At the time they were each arguably the most famous and recognizable celebrities of their era. By all accounts they loved each other deeply, but as is so often the case when two people of their celebrity marry, the fire that burned between them consumed their relationship, and they divorced before they ever really had a chance to really experience a private life together.

Marilyn went on to other marriages and divorces, looking for whatever it was that seemed to elude her. She died in 1962, seemingly unknowable to even those who professed to be close to her. Joe never lost the passion he had for her, and just prior to her death they had been tentatively seeing each other again, with Joe even lending her money to help buy a house.

Upon her death, Joe was the one who tended to all the details, even though they had been divorced for years. All others in her life seemed to use her for their own benefit, and maybe even Joe did as well during their brief marriage, but in the intervening years the power and depth of his love for her seemed to have grown, and he seems to have realized what it was that he had lost.

While going through her things, and making the arrangements for her funeral, Joe found an unfinished letter to him, begun just a couple of days prior to her death. It read as follows: "Dear Joe, if I can only succeed in making you happy, I will have succeeded in the biggest and most difficult thing there is- that is, to make one person completely happy. Your happiness means my happiness and". The letter ended there. What a beautiful, painful thing to find. Who knows why she stopped where she did, or what would have followed the "and". But it showed the same depth of emotion that he had been feeling for her. The fact that it remained unfinished and unexpressed, or that it was expressed too late, makes it almost unbearably sad, but wonderful at the same time.

After the funeral, and for the next 20-some years, twice a week Joe had flowers delivered to Marilyns' crypt. He would never speak about this with anyone, he just did it. He never remarried, or even seemed to show any interest in any other woman, and remained reclusive for the most part, until his death.

I think maybe Joe was haunted by what could have been- by what remained unspoken, what was acknowledged too late, and spent the rest of his life pining for the woman who was his soulmate, and regreting that neither one of them fully realized it, until time ran out for both of them.

You see Liliana, I don't bring you flowers because I want to impress you, or woo you, or seduce you. I bring you flowers because I never want you to forget that I love you, and that I never want anything to be taken for granted between us. I want you to be able to glance up while walking through your home and to catch sight of something that symbolizes the feelings and love I have for you, and to know that I never want anything to be unspoken or unexpressed between us. I never want there to be any chance that I would ever take you for granted.

As I told you the other day- if I could I would make arrangements to have flowers delivered to you long after I leave this mortal coil. Even when I leave this earth, the love and passion I have for you will still surround you my love, and I would give anything to be able to have a physical reminder for you, so that you could look at it and smile and know that you were loved honestly and truly, and someone recognized your worth and value, and that you made a difference in my life.

So next time you pass through your house, pause and look and breathe deeply from the bouquets I bring you, they are far more than just flowers- they are the perfection and beauty that you represent to me, and always will.

I Love You- it will never be unexpressed babe.

THE PERSISTENCE OF VISION

I have a vision, have had it for a while now. Sometimes the vision becomes cloudy, and sometimes dark clouds or stormy weather will obscure it, but it always comes back into view, untarnished and as bright, if not brighter, than it was before.

My vision is inspired and fueled by the angel I prayed for, but never thought existed. She greets me in the ether, she haunts my every waking moment, and I get far too little time with her, but the time we do get together is frozen and etched upon my memory, each and every little moment, and I am ennobled by her love and affection.

The images contained within this post can't begin to do justice to her grace and ethereal beauty, but they represent an ideal of her. She is my sprite, my muse, my angel. She is the light that guides me through the darkest of moments, and she radiates magic and wonder from her very being.

A year ago I made a promise to her, that I would go with her and be hers for all time. Well, reality has a way of intruding upon the sweetest of dreams, but nothing has changed. The promise remains, it will just take a little longer to become a reality. But in the waiting, the reality will become so much more magical. And it is magic, pure and simple.

You see we all want to live in fairy tales, even the most cynical of us. We may deny it to others, or even try to deny it to ourselves, but inside each of us exists the longing for a soulmate, an other to complement and complete us, and make us better than we are by ourselves. And my love more than completes me- she fills me and makes me closer to the ideal that I wish I was.

Yes I have a vision, and it drives me and fuels me and I will do anything to achieve it. It is a vision of love and respect and warmth and passion, none of which would exist for me without her. To share my life and myself with a woman so complete and wonderful is something that I would wait an eternity for if I had to.

The vision persists, through the passing of time, through moments of darkness, through unseen or unknown challenges, the vision persists.

And the promise will never go unfulfilled.

THE TICKING OF AN INDIFFERENT CLOCK

Another endless, sleepless night.

Oh God, when will it end. My body is in revolt right now, and every moment is a bit of an agony, mentally and physically.

And for some sadistic reason the Clockmaker decided to instruct everyone in my life to choose today as a day where they should all demonstrate their dissatisfactions with me, to let me know how sadly lacking I am in nearly every way, how disappointing I am in a variety of capacities.

They are all probably right.

I can't seem to get anyone to see me right now, and when I try all I do is hurt or upset them. And I ache in ways that I can't communicate to people in any meaningful way. And oh fuck I am in excruciating physical pain right now that just gets worse with every passing moment and it won't fucking stop.

The clock ticks away the moments indifferently, and everyone sleeps but me. Everyone has seen fit to let me know where I stand in their books, and all I can do is type out these pathetic little pieces to keep my mind off what is going on in my body, head, and heart. And the reality is even these will drift off and fade away into the electronic ether- I am just screaming into the void.

I don't know what the hell to do right now. I either need to get to a hospital or go off and check into a hotel for a few days and try to get my body in a manageable state anyway. I probably just need to go silent and fade away for a bit until I can manage my body, feelings, and emotions a bit better.

I am so fucking tired of hurting, in so many ways, and I really, honestly don't blame anyone for the hurt I feel- I have chosen my own path and deserve whatever happens to me.

But I hope that someday everyone will understand that I have God honestly tried to put them before myself as much as I possibly could.

The clock ticks indifferently, and right now I just want to sleep.

For all I have disappointed- I am truly sorry.

Time to go silent for a bit- I am of no use to anyone right now, and I can't much muster the energy to even attempt to seem ok or normal at this point.

THE DEAFENING SILENCE

So here I am.

The middle of the night- a fire slowly fading, a silver dollar moon in the sky illuminating the landscape, a cacophony of nightsounds breaking the stillness: frogs singing, coyotes howling, raccoons rustling in the brush, and a deafening silence from the one that matters.

This will make no sense to anyone other than me. The first time I experienced one of my "moments" was in grade school. I was 7 or 8, and i was in the gym, which also served as the lunch room. The school didn't serve lunch, only milk and beverages- all children were expected to bring their own lunches. I was sitting there, opening my industrial type lunch box, pulling out my thermos of soup, when all of a sudden everything became heightened. It was as if every sound, every voice, was aggregated and compiled and combined to produce a complete assault on my senses. And as I sat there, I began to isolate and identify thoughts and conversations for specific kids, even those who were far to far away to hear with my ears. I cast my eyes about and just by focusing on a person it seemed as if I could hear not only exactly what they were saying, but also what they were thinking. I know this makes no sense whatsoever, and I also know it makes me sound like a mental case. But I am not prone to whimsy, and these "moments" have happened often enough that I realized that they were real, and not just a product of an overactive imagination.

But at the time the experience was so powerful, and so disconcerting, that I essentially "shut down" for a couple of months. The whole episode was compounded by the fact that after this first time these "moments" seemed to happen on a regular basis, and they so overwhelmed me that I would become immobilized for a period of time. These episodes diminished in frequency as I grew older, and when they did happen I grew more accomplished in hiding them from others. I also found that on occasion whatever it was I was experiencing would later prove to be completely wrong, so I decided that whatever was going on was just a bizarre oddity of psychology.

I don't know what this has to do with anything right now honestly. But it is my 48th birthday, I am sitting beside a dying fire with my laptop and a small battery operated lantern, and I am trying to make sense of a remarkable number of "moments" that have happened recently. And these "moments" have been combined with enough actual "real" world events so that  I am left with a deep melancholy as I listen to the fire crackle and watch the moonlit shadows play across the landscape.

Another year has passed. I won't elaborate, but I have been given a glimpse of what is in store for me. I have found someone and something I desperately want, and I have tried every way I know how to drop hints of what I expect and need and want to hear from her, and the silence back is deafening. This is not her fault, I can't even define what I am experiencing, and I am woefully inadequate in trying to convey my feelings. But words, deeds, and actions matter, and I have to come to grips with my disappointments because they are more a reflection on me than anyone else.

The fire fades, the moon works its way across the horizon, and I can almost picturing myself 1000 years ago, beside a similar fire, aching for something undefinable, imagining things that might be.

And while the night is alive with sounds that define the darkest hours, the words and thoughts that I long to hear remain unspoken, and I can only watch the embers die slowly.

Sometimes the silence truly is deafening.

AND SO IT GOES

Never again.

Never again will I allow myself to be taken for granted. Never again will I put myself in a position where I willfully allow people to take what they can from me, and return only what is convenient for them.

Never again will I put up with being the one that is settled for- I have more to give than most, and if that isn't valued or recognized as meaning more than the perception of others, than fuck it.

Never again will I let what I would like to be overshadow the reality of what is.

Never again will I ignore actions, words, or deeds that demonstrate a casual disregard

Never again will I allow people to act as if I exist for their benefit alone

Never again.

I just realized that I would rather fucking die alone, unnoticed or unmourned, then be treated as a useful fool

Yeah- I want the same things as everyone else, big fucking deal, the universe doesnt exist to cater to my whims.

And so it goes

QUESTIONS ANSWERED IN TIME

My Sweetest Liliana,

There are many paths, many roads that we can travel, and unfortunately these byways appear on no map. We choose our paths using instinct, tuition, just blind faith, whatever. But the paths never choose us Liliana. We end up where we end up because of the choices we make along the way, the turns we decided to take, and the ones we didn't, but the choices are ours and ours alone.

They say the most important rule for a trial lawyer is to never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to. For the past couple of weeks or so I have been struggling with whether or not to ask you a question, not necessarily because I didn't know what the answer would be, but because I wasn't sure if it was even appropriate to bring up, and because I was fairly sure that the answer would probably cause me more harm than good.

You were honest with me, and I love you for that. For whatever reason we seem to be on seem weird wavelength together, and I have some odd connection with you- if you hadn't been honest with me I would have known or sensed it, and that would have been the worst kind of cut.

Make no mistake though- for reasons that I can't fully explain I am hurt and wounded, but I get it- I really do. But had you tapped danced around it or I felt you had lied to me, well, that I couldn't deal with. I am not a child though, I know that the words I would have liked to have heard only would have been spoken and meant in a fairy tale- but that doesn't mean that I still can't wish I had heard them. I do know this- I can't love you any more than I do, and I am certain that there is nothing I have held back from you, I give you everything I am capable of giving, so if for whatever reason this isn't enough, it won't be because I kept my emotions in check.

I kinda know you pretty well by now Liliana, and I have also learned a little bit about human nature in my advanced age. There are going to be plenty of ways to justify it if certain things to happen- but don't think for a second that it will be for any other reason than you wanted it or allowed it to happen. That isn't a bad thing I guess, you are an adult and can and should make your own choices. But unless I am completely wrong, you will only have a few fleeting moments of instant gratification, without a whole lot to show for it afterward. And the things that you could get away with, or would have less significance perhaps, with someone who you don't have the kind of history with that you have with Dale, well they take on a different and deeper meaning given that history with him- there is whole lot less innocence involved in risque behavior or patterns or conversations with you two than there would be with someone else, and I am sure that is maybe a thrill for you, and if you feel you still need or want that, then just disregard everything above, but every comment or moment has a potentially more shaded meaning with you two, no matter how you try to disregard it.

I love you totally Liliana, I hope you navigate well. I will travel with you for as long as you will have me, but there are some paths that you must decide on your own whether or not they are worth taking.

And all I can do is sit on the sideline, and wait for the answers to questions I would rather not contemplate- and that is ok, because I know that you don't honestly have an answer for these questions yet either.

Here's to hoping that we arrive at the destination together.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE

Why is it that the same patterns seem to exhibit themselves no matter what the circumstances? Maybe each of us emulate Sisyphus in that no matter what we do or what we try, our particular rock will still go crashing back down the hill just before we reach the summit. What sucks is, like Sisyphus, it is even more frustrating and painful when you can see the summit prior to having the rock elude your grasp.

Everyone within my circle seems to find it so easy to relegate me to a specific role without really having a whole lot of regard or understanding for whatever it is that I might want or need. I am not bitching, I have made it easy for everyone to do this. I pretty much want to provide the people I care about with whatever it is I can give them, and do this willingly. As such everyone pretty much expects certain things from me, and it should not really be all that surprising that they don't really view me as perhaps anything more than a reliable source of whatever they need, without a whole lot of thought about what might be important to me.

I guess no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never really reach my particular summit. I guess that is ok, I occasionally get close enough to glimpse it anyway.

But it still leaves me with a bit of an emptiness when I am relegated to bystander status in everyones life, including my own. My family members pretty much engage with me only when they want something or need money, the woman I care about gives me what I need when we are together, and has a bit of a disregard for me when I am not around, and also seems to think that I don't realize or know or care about the fact that she seems to find old habits hard to break, and seems to think that the only time she needs to talk to or communicate with me when I am not around is if I reach out to her first, as if I am just a kind of annoying placeholder.

Oh well, the more things change- but it gets harder to start pushing the rock back up the mountain everyday. I wonder if Sisyphus ever paused for a moment and said "fuck it- that rock is fine where it is, and I am tired as hell, so maybe I will just stay down here a while"?

Probably not- but I bet it crossed his mind once in a while.

DON'T STEP ON MY T.O.E.'s, or: SCIENCE I CAN ACTUALLY GET IN TO

For decades quantum physicists and theoretical scientists have been trying to find one unifying theory that would unite all the different theories explaining the laws of the universe: how time and space interact, why things happen the way they happen, why does the universe behave the way it does, and why do seemingly random events occur and what impact do they have on the cosmos and on us. This elusive theory even came to have a name, as all objects of a quest should have. It was and is referred to as the Theory of Everything, or TOE (now my title seems pretty clever, huh?)

Now along comes String Theory. I am not making any of this up, and I don't profess to fully understand it, but it is a real theory that Nobel winners and renowned scientists are embracing and exploring. There are all sorts of mathematics and science involved that make my head spin, and there are avenues of the theory that don't interest me in the slightest, but there are several aspects of it that make perfect sense to me. According to String Theory, everything in the universe is actually physically connected via a "string" (or ether perhaps), or series of parallel strings . And everything means EVERYTHING: time, space, dimension: everything is interconnected. and as this/these string/s is or are not rigid, but flexible, they can actually occupy space and resonate in time in a way that could allow for certain previously unthinkable things to occur: a glimpse of a future or past, a connection between two wildly disparate objects, etc. Think of a guitar string- it exists in a straight line, but when plucked it actually vibrates in a way where it appears to be in multiple places at once. Also, according to this theory, things end up attached to the string exactly where they belong- like knots in a macrame necklace, or that the parallel strings can intertwine as well.

A man has visions of or sensory knowledge of a woman who keeps appearing to him throughout his life in ways that defy explanation, but never in a completely tangible way, until one day, in a concrete way that can't be denied, his visions/dreams become manifest in a physical, magical being who seems to be an ideal match for him, and who complements him in every way. Mystical Horseshit? Not according to String Theory. According to string theory these two objects in space and time were actually attracted to and a part of each other to begin with, whether they are consciously aware of it or not.

What strikes me a bit about this theory is that it almost sounds like a scientific explanation for God and religion as well, but that isn't in any of the articles I read, as science and religion don't tend to go to bed together often. But if you think about it, it is not that big of a leap to connect the two.

I have an open mind, and I am not prone to falling for horseshit. But I know what I have experienced in my life, and this is the first time I have come across an explanation for some of the weird shit that could make sense. Each of us exist in time and space, unique unto ourselves, but perhaps when two objects are so right together, so complementary, then maybe they find each other in time and space because they are meant to.

String Theory doesn't address emotions necessarily; it is about mathematics and physics. But aren't love and passion and feelings as elemental as anything else in the universe? I have drifted through time and space for so many years, getting small little hints and glimpses of something/someone who I felt was a part of me, but always remained elusive. And then I actually met you in the flesh Lili, and those small hints and glimpses of magic paled in comparison to the joy and love and hope that you have actually inspired in me.

Maybe we have been residing on parallel strings, occasionally intertwining with one another, and only now have we actually been able to wrap ourselves into a knot that will give us a permanence in this universe. The life you have been living was not the knot, just a brief entanglement that the universe and you have recognized as momentary- like a ball of yarn that has to be unwound. But for me, I like to think that we have been bumping into each other for a while, whether we knew it or not, and now that we do recognize each other we will create the strongest knot in the universe, and we will never be parted again.

So maybe there is something a bit mystic in all of this my love. While a theory can explain how or why something might happen, it can't begin to decipher the things that make us human, that explains our wants, needs, and desires. All I know is this: my physical days on this earth are numbered, but the love and passion I have for you are solid and without limits, they will exist long after I pass on to whatever awaits me. They are wrapped up in the knot we have tied together in the infinite ether of the universe, and they will visit you time and again, to comfort you when I am not around, to serve as an example to others, to influence others in a positive way. I am human, I have many faults, but everything good that I have or could be has been strengthened by your love and compassion, and we will shine as the brightest stars in the galaxy, undimmed for all time.

There is a song by Van Morrison- not "Brown Eyed Girl", but one called "She Gives Me Religion". I always loved the song, but never really got the sentiment. I get it now Lili. Too many people use religion for whatever purposes serve them, unfortunately some of your friends are doing this as well. But maybe they should be thinking about what purpose they should be serving their religion instead.

Whatever you want to call your religion by: Science, String Theory, The Theory of Everything, God, Jehovah, whatever; I know this to be true: you and I are serving our religion well, and it is timeless, and true, and right, and the universe approves.

Sorry for this story, it isn't much of one and is probably pretty boring. But I just wanted to make a (pathetic I am sure) attempt to convey what I am feeling and how and why you are so special and important to me. It isn't just for petty, selfish reasons- but it is because it is the way it should be, and it was only possible for me with you.

And I like the idea that you and I will continue to be bound together, throughout time and space, to revel in our love for eternity.

And if that doesn't have the hand of God in it, then what else possibly could?

THROUGH A CRYSTAL BALL, DIMLY

I have a crystal ball. Unfortunately for me, this crystal ball is pretty much useless when it comes to predicting anything, all it is capable of is visualizing my wants and desires. It won't tell me what will happen, it just shows me glimpses of what I would like to happen. I think I bought it in New Jersey, which would explain why it doesn't work as it should.

Still- there is a small comfort in being able to gaze into it and picture what could happen, and what future I might be able to have.

Come... gaze into it with me, and see what my future would be, if I could control it.

The clouds part to reveal a garden setting. There are only a few people present- a man and a woman, 4 children, a few friends perhaps, but it is a small, intimate, peaceful gathering. They are all assembled to take part in a celebration of love and comittment, and the ceremony uniting the man and woman in marriage is personal and not necessarily the traditional way of doing such things, but it is unique to the man and woman, and will celebrate all of the things that draw them to one another. The man wants no other woman, and his entire world will revolve around her and her children for the rest of his life, and everything he lives for will be for them. There is nothing the man wants or needs beyond them, and even though the children aren't his, and never could be, he will love and revere them and do anything in his power to nuture and care for them, and provide them with comfort and love and understanding, and he will be there for them for anything. He will never try to usurp their biological fathers role or importance in their lives, but he will always try to be an example and role model for them, so that they may know that they are loved and have a value in this world, and that their mother is revered and cherished by a man who looked into her and saw nothing but wonder and beauty. This vision of hope and happiness is a recurring one in my crystal ball, and has not been arrived at lightly- it is all I want. I know it might take some time, and that there would be bumps along the path, but being united with the woman I love would complete me in a way nothing else in my life has, and I would hope that she would feel the same way.

Give the ball a shake and gaze again. This time the view is a little cloudier, and not necessarily as defined as the previous vision, but it is still there none the less. There is a house, a home, and it could be any house, because those who live there make it a home and a haven for all. There are the man and woman, there are the four wonderful, beautiful children, and obscured by the milky ether in the ball, it is perhaps possible to see a fifth child, boy or girl- it wouldn't matter. The man can think of no greater honor then to have the woman consent to bear their child. The beauty and wonder and awe the man feels for the woman would have their ultimate manifestation in a child that both could call their own, and all the love, respect, affection, and warmth that each feel for the other would also be conveyed onto the child. This vision is not as tangible as the previous one- there are so many things to consider: her previous children, nothing could ever come between the mother and them, they are and always should be the first consideration, her age and place: this is probably the time in her life that she should be looking forward to being unbound, where her life truly is hers to live as she wants, the mans longevity: the simple reality is that any child born of the man and woman would probably not have his/her father around to see them reach full adulthood, and the woman would probably end up a single parent again. So many things to consider, but that doesn't mean that the desire is any less real.

Yes- I have a crystal ball. It shows me what I want to see. I see endless days of summer spent with a woman and her children, laughing, loving, and reveling in every moment. I see soft warm nights spent sharing a bed with a woman who excites every sense in my body, and waking to her beauty and warmth every morning. I see us being together, not just in an informal, casual way, but united in love for all to see. I see a family in the truest sense of the word, even if the man is not the true father, he will love each as his own, and will support them in any way throughout their lives, and if nothing else will be a true friend to them always.

My crystal ball isn't very useful I guess, it won't show me things that will be- only what I would like to be. But it still fills me with a warmth to gaze into it and to imagine that such things may be possible. I can only hope and pray that when she gazes into it she perhaps sees a similar vision. If not, nothing changes- I will still love, cherish and support her in any and every way I can- nothing will ever change the way I feel about her. But God I would give anything for both of us to gaze into my crystal ball and see the same possible future.

It would be nice to have a crystal ball that would actually tell and show me what will actually be, not just what I want to be, and I guess I have learned a valuable lesson.

Never buy a fucking thing in New Jersey.

JUST A CHAPTER, NOT THE BOOK

When I was young I would read anything I could get my hands on, from the usual juvenile fiction to the more adult bestsellers of the time. There were several occasions when the librarian would have to call my parents to make sure it was ok for me to check out what she considered objectionable material for a youngster. To my parents credit they never denied me my bizarre requests.

As a child, I would get so wrapped up in the better tales that I felt invested in them and made them almost real in my mind. And sometimes, in that weird way that the ignorance of youth encourages, the stories would almost become real in my mind, and the best ones almost seemed to spill from between the covers to intrude upon my "real" world. I still remember how disturbed I would become if a chapter contained something upsetting, or made it appear that characters I cared about were going to meet sad fates. And sometimes they did, as occasionally the best stories don't necessarily have to have a traditional happy ending. But more often than not the subsequent chapters would steer my heroes or heroines to safer, calmer waters, and that without the chapter or two of menace or sadness, the final destination would not seem as well earned, or as satisfying.

This blog started as one thing, and then became something else much more satisfying. You see, I am not even the author per se, I am just recording the details, the book is actually writing itself.

As with any book, this one contains chapters. No one chapter should be the sum of the book. There should be chapters of happiness and love, some silly and inconsequential, some full of hope and mystery, and yes, some of anger, hurt and bitterness.

You see, again, I don't write the story, I just record the details. And as an imperfect author, ghost writing my own story, I am subject to the same human frailties as everyone else. But each and every chapter is real and honest, and to try to change or influence the chapter in any way would be dishonest.

So sometimes I sit here, recording instances of pain, hurt, or anger, but I think that even as I record these details I realize that the chapter is only a snapshot of rare importance, and not the story itself, and that these chapters are necessary to make the final story arc more satisfying and magical.

So while I won't or can't apologize for individual chapters, I do want to stress that, as the one recording these stories, the book itself is a beautiful, magical one, and while the ending is still unknown, it will be one of hope and triumph over a mundane world filled with angry, small people who live to destroy others.

I have no idea where or how this book will end, but I do know this- every chapter, every moment, good, bad, angry, happy- each and every one leads to an ending that will be glorious. And as is often the case in evolving books, even know, as this is being recorded, a wonderful new chapter is about to be written (which will be the subject of the next post).

So don't read too much into any one chapter, while what it may contain night be hard to read, it is only making the denouement so much more satisfying. Ulysses took years and underwent many trials and tribulations before returning to his beloved. If he had just been able to take a cab home it wouldn't have been much of a story.

The most rewarding thing is that this story has two protagonists, writing their book together. And because each reveres and loves the other, and each are willing to do anything for the other, it is indeed a story of true love, and while some of these stories end badly, this one will not, because that love is pure, strong, and primal, and nothing or no one will ever unbind the ties between us.

Until the next chapter......

KNOWING WHERE I STAND

Once again a different post was started, and this one is going up instead.

I am a tool, a convenience, something to be used and relied on when needed or wanted, but put aside when not required. I have asked for one thing and one thing only, and that is asked for only out of concern and worry, and it is so fucking easy to do that I am completely fucking crushed that it is so god-damned hard for her to do it. I need this one fucking thing to have some kind of piece of mind, and she fucking knows it and just doesn't fucking care, if she did it wouldn't keep happening over and over. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but given all the weird shit that has happened I don't think it is too much to ask for, especially on the weekends and after one of these episodes of his.

I was going to write about all the things I felt, and all the things I wanted and how I wanted the rest of my days to play out, and what I wanted to do for her and how I wanted us to share so many different things. But, now as i write this, and after she has finally gotten in touch with me and can only give me short little responses to my outpourings of heartache and worry and hurt, and it is clear I am only keeping her up and annoying her, I just feel like I died inside. Everything I have given to her I have done freely and without regret. Every emotion, feeling, every ounce of love and passion I can muster has been hers. And I can't get words of comfort or understanding when I so desperately need them- just polite short responses. She spends more time and effort trying to accomodate and please her fucking dirtbag husband then she does when I need it.

Fuck it- I never expected to ever find true love in the first place, so why am I so devasted and broken now.

The wind is howling outside- it is constant and angry. I will be heading out into it shortly. I will find a spot, stand there, and just let everything empty out. It will be a cold, angry, lonely spot- but it will be mine, and instead of fooling myself about what is or might be, at least now I know where I stand.

It is a dark, lonely, painful place, and it is probably exactly where I belong.

So why does it hurt so fucking much?

THE LINE THAT DRAWS ITSELF

I had something different planned for this little entry, but things change. I am heartbroken, pissed off, sick, tired, and feel utterly alone. And I guess for all intents and purposes I am. At this exact moment I don't feel warmth or happiness or loved or even the potential for any of these things. I feel complete and utter despair for what are completely irrational reasons. I cannot begin to justify these feelings, i know, and I also know that part of the reason for my heartache and pain is just pure selfishness on my part, thinking or wanting somebody to say or do something for me when they already have enough on their own plate to deal with. I know this isn't the case, but right now I feel like I am being taken a bit for granted, and that maybe I don't mean as much as I would like to think I do.

I also am sick with worry. I am watching someone I love and care for and would literally die for make decisions based upon her better nature that I think are going to backfire on her. Here is the truth as I see it: as long as I am in her life her former friends, family, and even her husband are going to try to hurt her- they can't help themselves. And nothing she does is going to change that, and they will use her accomodating, sweet nature against her, and she won't realize it until it is too late.

So while I may have become a useless pathetic fool, wanting and hoping to love and be loved by her, and wanting nothing more than to be with her until I die, I also wonder if maybe I just need to back off and drift away into my own fading sunset alone, for hers and my own good. It will kill me if I have to watch her make decisions that I am almost certain are going to backfire on her. She thinks that she can appeal to peoples better natures and that everything will work out. I think she is dealing with pieces of shit who will do anything to hurt her, and that she is unwilling to do what is necessary to protect herself.

And all of this is my fucking fault. I probably should have just stayed out of her life and played out whatever is to come on my own. Now all I want is her and her love, and all I want to do is give her all the love and passion I have in return. Tonight I wonder if she feels as strongly about me, but I am pretty sure she does, although she doesn't seem to get the fact that I desperately need things from her sometimes as well.

SO- I am a bit of a mess, and I am not sure where to draw the line on certain things, or whether me and my happiness are worth the time or effort. But even though I am a mess, and I have all sorts of unresolved things running about my head and heart, there is still one line that draws itself, that I won't allow anyone to cross. It hasn't quite been crossed yet, but if or when it is then there will be no confusion, no uncertainty, just swift, immediate consequences.

And I don't believe in porportional response, or appealing to peoples better natures, or avoiding conflict, just action.

I am sorry I feel the way I feel tonight, and that I wasn't a comfort to the woman I love. Indeed, I am sure I probably hurt her tonight and that is tearing me up as well. I am so very sorry Lili. I don't mean to be an additional problem in your life. But sometimes I need you as much or more than you say you need me. Just try to keep that in mind. And please at least consider what I am telling you about maybe taking a harder, more independant stance. Otherwise I am afraid that all you will end up being is a puppet on a longer chain, still dancing to someone elses tune. You might be in different places, but he will just be controlling you remotely.

God I am so sorry- but tonight I have never felt more alone, and the darkness seems a bit appealing.

STRANGE SHADOWS IN A DISTANT ROOM

I lie here, a thousand miles away from her, lights off, body tired, mind wandering. I know I can't sleep now, but something told me to turn everything off, relax my mind and body, drift off into the ether, and see where I would land. A very faint light illuminates the room through the window, and the corners of my little hotel world are hiding in shadows, concealing whispers, secrets, and dreams.

I lie here, trying to stay perfectly still, regulating my breathing, slowly glancing about, listening carefully, as if I could conjure her here by sheer force of will. I cannnot of course- but there is a feeling of proximity that I can't explain, as if she lingers in the shadows wherever I may be, whispering words of love.

Could she be there, I wonder? Are the emotions and feelings and love I feel for her so strong that perhaps a part of what we share together knows no earthly bounds? Because after a few minutes of lying here, heart heavy, missing her terribly, a strange thing happened. No, she didn't actually appear- that would be silly. But as I lay on the bed, worrying and wondering about her, thinking about the moments we have shared, it almost felt as she was actually surrounding me- almost like that strange wonderous drive back from Michigan. My insides shake and I feel a strange sensation of wonderful tingling throughout my body.

I am sure most people would never understand this, or think that I am some sentimental fool, but the feeling was real and physical. My heart is still heavy because we are apart, but her love and the love I have for her are so strong that she doesn't even need to be here to comfort or console me- it just happens organically.

I know this story makes no sense and has no poetry to it, but I wanted to record it as it happened as this is  such an odd and mystifying, joyous occasion, made bittersweet by the fact that she isn't actually here, and I would give anything to have her in my arms right now.

I will try to make more sense of this in a later post- but I know she was, is, and always will be, the only woman for me.

I love her so.

Travelling The Road Unknown

Sometimes it is the simplest of things that have the most meaning. Too often we ignore or don't notice the significance of the things in our life that underscore who we are, where we are going, and how we are getting there. Most of the time we travel like work horses, with blinders on moving in a straight line, following the path that others have created for us.

But not my lady. She has pulled off her blinders, taken a look at the path she was travelling, and decided to change destinations. Her new path has some scary detours, and some hairpin curves that she will have to negotiate with care, but everyday she exhibits more and more confidence and skill navigating her course.

It is just a car, but it symbolizes so much more. It is the carriage that will transport her from a life of neglect and indifference to one of limitless possibilities. Where every morning she can wake up, look in the mirror, and be satisfied that she has done everything in her power to ensure that her life can be hers, and not one where she exists for the benefit of someone else.

There will be many twists and turns on her journey, but her instincts, intelligence, and basic essence will guide her. She thinks her final destination is her own magical place, but what she doesn't realize is that magic already surrounds her. She exudes magic and wonder from every pore of her body, and everything and everyone she touches as she moves through this world is left better by her passing. She is living proof that miracles and magic do exist- and that hope springs eternal in the graceful elegance of her being.

She has chosen to travel the road unknown, and her courage and strength are marvels that defy description. And she faces all of this with a smile and determination that underscore all the things I love about her.

Maybe it isn't just a car. It is her enchanted carriage, taking her to a kingdom of happiness and warmth and love that shine as an example to all, and all who live there will be ennobled by her grace. I will be there for her, if she will have me, and I will serve, cherish, and love her with every ounce of passion I have, and I will revel in her glory and love.

She has shown me that such kingdoms do exist, and just like a child I once again believe in magic. I will never be as cute as I once was, but inside I too shine once again, and believe that anything is possible.

All because of her.

THE TIE THAT BINDS

So many of the precious seconds of our lives pass without notice, flying by and gone without registering any importance or meaning. The truth is that for most of time will pass unnoticed and without any great significance, just infrequently punctuated by those brief little moments that have a value or meaning that warrants remembering later.

I have had more memorable moments in the past six months than I probably have had in the previous 47 years.

In no particular order, a random assemblage of moments and snapshots of time that have a meaning and significance beyond words.

A Clandestine Date That Wasn't

Oh Man, nothing like trying to keep a low profile and then seeing your name displayed on a scrolling screen announcing your presense to 300 some people. Yet a fun, unique experiance.

A Tranquil Afternoon

Sometimes all you need to do is actually look around you to see that in spite of whatever may be going on in our lives or in the world, that beauty and wonder are all around us, even when it doesn't make any logical sense.

An Innocent Shower

I have nothing to say about this that won't make me blush. Practicing good personal hygiene was never more satisfying.

My Monkey, Loose In The Zoo

Even without the lemurs, a wonderful and fun time- although next time I will have to try the Wild Cheetah Experience.

The Wit

A truly wonderful place- but the time there was far too short.

The Wit's Bathroom

There could be a theme developing here when it comes to personal hygiene- again, far too short and rushed, but still wonderful.

I Wanted To Dance Like A White Boy

Sadly, I Have No Rhythm

But I Would Still Shake My Skinny White Ass

More fun than I expected, entertaining and toe-tapping, I can see why it moved to Broadway.

Saguaro Lake Ranch

Where my horse tried to kill me- I am not sure if that was planned ahead of time, or just a chance coincidence. My view from the back of the pack couldn't have been more splendid- and I am glad I had a wide angle lens on my camera.

More Equine Madness

Not as scenic as the Saguaro Lake Trails, but memorable and beautiful, and quite peaceful riding back at night. Again, I had the best view of the bunch.

MEAT!!!!!

Nothing like breaking up your ride with a pound of undercooked beef.

The above are just a small, minute sampling of the memorable moments I have had recently. But none of them would have really meant anything without that one special person, the tie that binds all of these, and so many other heavenly moments together, and makes my life worth living. I can remember virtually every moment we have spent together, and each one is a treasure that cannot be valued.

My Special One- The Tie That Binds Every Moment

I am weightless when I am with her, and the world buzzes with magic and hope every time we are together. Until I met her everything in my life was unbound, chaotic. Now I awake every morning with the promise that every moment will be filled with wonder and awe that such a woman would love, and be loved by, me.

I bow before her, and she wraps me up with love, warmth, and affection.

God, life can be good sometimes.

THE MYSTERY CONTINUES

And tonight again, she sleeps- hopefully.

We are not together this time, but she still haunts me and surrounds me from across the distance. I lie here, miles away, and I can feel her essence within and without, and my heart weighs heavy for her and the things she is going through.

She has taken the leap from the known to the unknown, and she has done it with a dignity and resolve that put almost everyone to shame. Most people yearn for things, yet do little to achieve their desires, afraid of the unknown. Yet she took stock of her life and her situation, didn't like what she found there, and chose to do something about it.

God I hope she is sleeping right now, she has earned it.

Every night the stars come out. In different times they were thought to represent gods, lovers, legends- either placed in the heavens to look down upon us, or residing there by choice. I know the stars have been there forever, and will be there long after I am gone, and that they shine down on us indifferently. But tonight, while she sleeps, I like to think they are looking down upon her and smiling, and saving a spot for her.

She was a mystery to me when I first met her, she remains a mystery to me now- a wonderous, beautiful enigma that I never want to solve. I ache for her in ways that defy description or logic, and she constantly reminds me that there is magic in this world. It is in her eyes, in her sex, in her being, and she doesn't even realize it.

She sleeps tonight, alone. But maybe for the first time in a while she sleeps free, and as herself. The world that awaits her is going to be the world that she creates for herself, not one created for her. Given her grace, warmth, tenderness, and humanity, I can only imagine what a wonderous world it will be, and I so much pray that she will invite me into her new world to stroll through her gardens with her, hand in hand.

The stars look down, tonight and every night, and even they are moved by her.

Sleep well my love.

A HEALTHY RAGE

I have an anger inside me that won't go away. I am tired and pissed. I am sick of having to settle for whatever I can get and I am tired of having to sit on the sidelines and not being able to do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want it. I do have moments that are incredibly special and mean the world to me, but then I always have to return to the sidelines. I am fed up that I always try to do everything for everyone and then I usually end up having to spend most of my time listening to the fucking clock tick off the seconds of my life by myself.

I want to scream, I want to rage against everything and everyone.

I am going out tonight and I am going to drink myself into oblivion.

I know all of this is irrational and childish and I don't give a rats ass.

I am blazing with a fury that I can't extinguish.

And I have never felt more alive.

NOTHING TO FEAR HERE

First of all- I don't think you got this picture and I love it- you are simply adorable in it.

Now, I thought about sending an email, but I want you to have this for all time. YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HOW I WILL REACT TO ANYTHING IN YOUR PAST. The capital letters are for extra emphasis. What you need to know Lili is that the fact that you do share things with me makes me love you even more, and makes me so much more comfortable sharing things with you. I am certainly in no position to judge anyone about anything given some of the things I have done, much less the woman I love. And there has been nothing that you have shared with me that has caused me to pause at all. I have so much love and respect for you Lili, and what is important is not the road that may have brought us here individually, but the road that we are traveling together.

I want to know everything about you, what you have been through, what you have done, what your dreams, hopes and desires are. There is absolutely nothing that you could tell me that would diminish what I feel for you, NOTHING. One of the things I love about you is that you are so open and honest with me, and it helps me open up to you and makes me feel even closer to you knowing that you trust me enough to share very personal things with me.

When I told you earlier that the only thing I would require if we ended up together was that you be faithful to me moving forward, well it goes without saying that I have no worries about this- I trust you completely and totally. And I shouldn't have even said it like that- what I really mean is that I just need you to be completely honest with me, and I know you will be. This has to be the case even if it hurts me- the worst thing that could happen to me at this point would be for you to try to "spare" me anything.

I will be completely honest here, and it is something I try not to think about very often, but sometimes I am a little bit scared of what is going to happen with me. I am reminded occasionally that my days are likely to be numbered shorter than I want them to be, and now that I have met you this bothers me in a way it didn't before. The honest truth is that there are really only 2 ways I can face things going forward: I can wall myself off to everything and everyone and isolate myself so that I am pretty much indifferent to whatever is going to happen, or I can put my emotions, love, and feelings, and every ounce of passion I have, into a relationship with you, and face whatever may happen with a sense of peace and contentment (and this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to give yourself over to me, just keep me in your life in some capacity- I don't want to pressure you into anything- just having you in my life is enough). To be honest one of the things I am scared of is that while I am sure that I would always give you the emotional love you deserve, I am a little bit afraid that a point might come that I wouldn't necessarily be able to provide all of the physical or sexual satisfaction you deserve- there I said it. I know these things are important (food/sleep/sex- remember) and I would never want to put you in the position of feeling emotionally satisfied, but sexually unfulfilled- and it would kill me if it ever came to that. (all right- maybe I think too much)

As far as I am concerned the only thing that matters is what we have together, and if that ever proved not to be enough, on a physical, emotional, or sexual level, or any level, for you then I would just want to make sure that you would be honest with me and tell me. Don't ever hold anything back from me Lili- for any reason. It is the greatest measure of the love we have that both of us should always be able to trust the other enough to share anything, good, bad, or indifferent.

I love, respect, admire, and cherish you Lili- I have looked into you and what I found there has made me glow and feel loved in a way that I can't even begin to describe, and if I have ever said or done anything to make you worry about the way I feel about you, just let me know. Believe me when I tell you that with each passing day, each shared moment, each conversation, my feelings only deepen and grow.

I love you, and I always will, and there will be no other for me, ever.

CLOSE YOUR EYES, LILI

Close your eyes Lili...

When your heart is heavy and there is no one to turn to nearby, and remember the weight of my skin on yours.

Close your eyes Lili...

When you ache for someone to touch you with love and tenderness, and imagine the sensation of my hand on your breast.

Close your eyes Lili...

Whenever the loneliness creeps into your heart, and remember the look in my eyes, and the love that overflows there, as I gaze into you.

Close your eyes Lili...

When time crawls and you yearn for companionship and affection, and know that I am out there as well, marking the time until we can be together again.

Close your eyes Lili...

And know that someones every waking moment is consumed by thoughts of you and your grace and elegance, and that he recognizes the value of each and every shared moment with you.

Close your eyes Lili...

Whenever laughter eludes you, and recall every smile, every moment of happiness, our shared laughter at some little bit of silliness that only makes sense to you and I.

Close your eyes Lili...

When the words you want to hear at home remain unspoken, and listen carefully for my soft whispers of love in the stillness of the night.

Close your eyes Lili...

If your eyes start to water and you feel like the world is collapsing around you, and know that I will be there for you, without question or condition, to brace you up against the loneliness

Close your eyes Lili...

Whenever the day comes that I am not around, and return to these words and know that each one of them is from the heart and none of them can come close to describing the total love, respect, and desire I feel for you.

So close your eyes Lili... and imagine what will or could be. There is a time and a place that exists for you where you will find the happiness and comfort you deserve. It may not be easy to get to, it may or may not contain me in it, and it may be a while before you get there, but it does exist, and you are working your way toward it.

And do you want to know how you can tell I am right about this?

Just close your eyes Lili, and remember everything we have shared.

And realize that none of it has been a dream.

I love you